Brains still off the menu
CONEY ISLAND, NY – The Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest has been rocked by scandal once again as undead competitor Mortimer “Dead Eye” Gristle claimed his third consecutive championship, consuming an astounding 87 hot dogs and buns in just 10 minutes while horrified spectators watched in disbelief.
Contest officials, who have been under mounting pressure from the International Federation of Competitive Eating to address the “zombie situation,” reluctantly awarded Gristle the coveted Mustard Yellow Belt after heated deliberations lasting nearly four hours. The controversy stems from growing concerns about whether supernatural entities should be allowed to compete alongside living contestants in sanctioned eating competitions.
Gristle, whose decomposing jaw became partially unhinged during the final minutes of competition, methodically devoured hot dogs with mechanical precision that left veteran competitors slack-jawed. His nearest rival, eight-time champion Joey Chestnut, managed only 74 hot dogs before throwing in the towel.
“It’s just not fair,” complained third-place finisher Miki Sudo, whose 61 hot dogs would have been a personal best under normal circumstances. “The rest of us need to chew and swallow like normal human beings. This guy just unhooks his jaw and drops them straight into his stomach cavity. I could see them piling up through the holes in his ribcage!”
The undead champion’s unusual dietary preferences have sparked intense debate among food scientists and paranormal researchers. Dr. Eliza Thornfield, professor of Supernatural Biology at Miskatonic University, has been studying Gristle’s remarkable abilities for the past two years.
“What we’re witnessing defies everything we know about digestive physiology,” Dr. Thornfield explained during a post-competition interview. “Normal humans are limited by stomach capacity and the mechanical process of mastication. Gristle appears to have converted his entire torso into a storage facility. The hot dogs aren’t being digested in any traditional sense—they’re simply accumulating in his abdominal cavity until they decompose naturally.”
Eyewitnesses reported several disturbing incidents during the competition. Halfway through the contest, Gristle’s left eyeball reportedly fell into his water cup, which he promptly drank without missing a beat. Spectators in the front row were splattered with what appeared to be embalming fluid when the zombie contestant began sweating profusely under the hot stage lights.
“I brought my kids to see Joey Chestnut break the record,” said horrified parent Margaret Kowalski, who was seated just three rows from the competitors’ table. “Instead, we watched some rotting corpse practically dislocate his entire face while cramming processed meat down his gullet. My six-year-old hasn’t stopped crying, and frankly, neither have I.”
The controversy deepened when contest organizers revealed that Gristle had specifically requested that brains be removed from the traditional menu of available condiments. Hot dog vendors typically offer mustard, ketchup, relish, and sauerkraut, but Gristle’s representatives had insisted on a formal ban on any brain-based toppings to avoid giving their client an “unfair competitive advantage.”
Nathan’s Famous issued a carefully worded statement acknowledging the “unique challenges” posed by non-human competitors while defending their commitment to inclusivity in competitive eating. However, sources close to the organization suggest that emergency meetings are already underway to establish new eligibility requirements for future competitions.
The International Federation of Competitive Eating has remained conspicuously silent about the controversy, though leaked documents suggest that officials are frantically researching the legal implications of discriminating against undead athletes under the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Meanwhile, Gristle shambled away from the competition venue clutching his trophy, leaving behind a trail of mysterious brown liquid and the lingering stench of decay. His victory speech consisted entirely of incomprehensible moaning, though witnesses swear they heard him mutter something about “next year’s championship” between guttural groans.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
