Instructor blames “extra deep stretch”
SEDONA, ARIZONA – What began as a peaceful Tuesday evening yoga session at the Crimson Canyon Wellness Center has left participants questioning reality after an instructor’s “extra deep stretch” allegedly opened a dimensional portal, summoning what ancient mythology experts believe to be a 5,000-year-old Mesopotamian deity.
The incident occurred during Moonbeam Chakraworth’s advanced Kundalini fusion class when she guided her twelve students into what she described as a “transcendental warrior pose variation” that apparently aligned perfectly with mystical ley lines running beneath the red rock desert.
“I was just trying to help everyone reach their full spiritual potential,” explained Chakraworth, 34, a certified yoga instructor with over 200 hours of training. “We’d been working on opening the third eye chakra all month, but I never expected to open a literal doorway to another realm. The pose manual definitely didn’t mention anything about summoning ancient gods.”
Witnesses report that the manifestation began around 7:47 PM, just as the class was transitioning from downward-facing dog into Chakraworth’s signature “Cosmic Pretzel of Enlightenment” position. The studio’s temperature allegedly dropped 30 degrees in seconds, Sanskrit symbols began glowing on the bamboo flooring, and the scent of burning frankincense filled the air despite no incense being lit.
“One minute I’m focused on my breathing and trying not to fall over, and the next minute there’s this massive golden figure with six arms floating above our yoga mats,” said participant Jennifer Holbrook, 42, a local real estate agent. “It had these piercing blue eyes and kept speaking in some ancient language that sounded like a mix of Latin and angry beekeeping. My Apple Watch recorded my heart rate at 180 BPM, which is definitely not the relaxation zone I was aiming for.”
The entity, tentatively identified by mythology scholars as Enlil-Bani, a lesser-known Sumerian god of cosmic balance and agricultural taxation, reportedly hovered three feet above the studio floor for approximately seven minutes before demanding tribute in the form of organic quinoa and fair-trade ceremonial cacao.
Dr. Reginald Blackthorne, professor of Comparative Mysticism at the Phoenix Institute for Paranormal Studies, believes the incident represents a breakthrough in understanding the connection between ancient spiritual practices and modern fitness trends.
“What we’re seeing here is a convergence of metaphysical energy patterns that hasn’t occurred since the Library of Alexandria burned down,” Blackthorne explained from his cluttered office filled with crystals and suspicious-looking manuscripts. “When you combine the precise geometric alignment of human bodies in specific yoga positions with Sedona’s natural vortex energy, you’re essentially creating a supernatural antenna. It’s like spiritual WiFi, but instead of connecting to the internet, you’re connecting to beings that predate human civilization.”
The Sedona Fire Department responded to reports of “unusual atmospheric disturbances” but found no evidence of paranormal activity by the time they arrived. However, several firefighters noted that their equipment malfunctioned within a three-block radius of the wellness center, and one crew member reported seeing his deceased grandmother waving from inside the fire truck’s rearview mirror.
Local authorities have launched an investigation into the incident, though they remain skeptical of supernatural explanations. The wellness center has been temporarily closed pending what officials are calling a “thorough spiritual fumigation” of the premises.
Chakraworth plans to incorporate the experience into her upcoming workshop series, “Advanced Deity Summoning Through Gentle Movement,” though she’s considering adding liability waivers that specifically address interdimensional incidents.
The ancient entity reportedly departed after consuming three pounds of hemp hearts and expressing disappointment in humanity’s current approach to sustainable agriculture.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
