Can no longer put arms down
SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS – A bizarre world record attempt has left local man Derek Kolwalski trapped in what experts are calling a “textile prison” after successfully donning 260 T-shirts simultaneously, shattering the previous record by an astounding 73 shirts. The 34-year-old insurance adjuster now finds himself unable to lower his arms, which remain permanently extended in a scarecrow-like position that has sparked conspiracy theories about government mind control experiments.
The record-breaking attempt took place last Tuesday in Kolwalski’s garage, where witnesses say the man methodically layered shirt after shirt until his body resembled a massive cotton cocoon. What started as an innocent quest for internet fame has now become a medical mystery that has doctors baffled and government officials suspiciously silent.
“I was there helping him with shirt number 180 when things got weird,” said neighbor Janet Flemming, who served as an official witness. “Derek’s eyes went all glassy, and he kept mumbling about ‘the calling’ and how the shirts were ‘speaking to him.’ By shirt 250, he couldn’t bend his elbows anymore, but he just kept going like he was in a trance or something.”
The situation has attracted the attention of Dr. Miriam Blackwood, a conspiracy researcher who specializes in unexplained human behavior modification. According to Dr. Blackwood, Kolwalski’s compulsive shirt-wearing may be linked to a classified military program designed to test the limits of human endurance and susceptibility to external control.
“What we’re seeing here isn’t just a world record attempt gone wrong,” Dr. Blackwood explained during an exclusive interview. “The geometric progression of textile layers creates a compression field that may be interfering with normal brain wave patterns. I’ve seen similar cases in my research – subjects compelled to perform repetitive actions beyond the point of physical safety. The government has been experimenting with fabric-based behavioral modification since the 1960s.”
Kolwalski’s condition has reportedly worsened since achieving the record. Family members say he hasn’t removed a single shirt and shows no desire to do so, despite obvious discomfort and the inability to perform basic tasks. His arms remain locked in position at shoulder height, making it impossible for him to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom without assistance.
Local authorities initially dismissed the incident as a publicity stunt, but their tune changed dramatically after federal agents arrived on the scene within hours of the record being verified. The agents, who refused to identify their agency, confiscated all video footage and interviewed every witness separately.
“They kept asking weird questions about Derek’s mental state and whether he’d been contacted by anyone unusual before the attempt,” Flemming revealed. “One agent had this scanner device that he kept waving around Derek’s shirt collection. When I asked what it was for, he just said it was ‘classified’ and told me to forget what I’d seen.”
The official Guinness World Records verification team has confirmed the record but expressed concern about Kolwalski’s current state. They’ve launched an internal investigation into whether the record should stand, given the apparent health risks involved.
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists online have connected Kolwalski’s case to a series of similar incidents involving compulsive clothing accumulation in other parts of the country. Some claim the T-shirts themselves may be embedded with mind-control technology, while others suggest the entire event was orchestrated to test public reaction to obvious government intervention.
As of press time, Kolwalski remains in his garage, surrounded by federal agents and still wearing all 260 shirts. His family has been relocated to an undisclosed location “for their safety,” according to official sources who refuse to elaborate on what they might need protection from.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
