Museum considering adoption
FLORENCE, ITALY – A routine museum visit has turned into a permanent nightmare for 23-year-old influencer Madison Thorpe, who became literally stuck to a priceless Renaissance statue after using industrial-strength adhesive to secure her phone for the “perfect selfie.” What started as a social media stunt has evolved into something far more sinister, with the Uffizi Gallery now seriously considering legally adopting Thorpe as part of their permanent collection.
The incident occurred last Tuesday when Thorpe, desperate for Instagram fame, smuggled a tube of military-grade epoxy into the world-renowned museum. Security footage reveals the shocking moment when she applied the adhesive to both her palm and Michelangelo’s “David” replica before pressing her hand firmly against the marble masterpiece’s thigh.
“I heard this blood-curdling scream echo through the Renaissance wing,” recalled fellow tourist Harold Pemberton, who witnessed the horrifying aftermath. “At first I thought it was performance art, but then I saw the pure terror in her eyes. She was pulling and yanking, but that hand wasn’t budging. The statue had claimed her as its own.”
Museum officials initially attempted standard removal procedures, but the adhesive has created what experts are calling an “unbreakable molecular bond” between human flesh and ancient stone. After six days of failed extraction attempts, Thorpe remains grotesquely attached to the 500-year-old artwork, surviving on protein bars and bottled water supplied by increasingly bewildered staff.
Dr. Francesca Ricci, the museum’s chief conservator, revealed the disturbing truth behind the administration’s shocking decision. “The adhesive she used isn’t commercially available to civilians. Our chemical analysis reveals traces of experimental compounds that shouldn’t exist outside classified government laboratories. Someone wanted this to happen.”
The conspiracy deepens when examining Thorpe’s background. Public records show she has no prior social media presence before last month, when her accounts suddenly appeared with sophisticated content and mysterious funding. Her passport, issued just weeks ago, contains entry stamps from countries she claims never to have visited.
“This wasn’t an accident,” Dr. Ricci continued, her voice dropping to a whisper. “The precision of the adhesive application, the exact positioning on the statue—this was a calculated operation. We believe Madison Thorpe is either an unwitting pawn or a willing participant in something much larger than a selfie gone wrong.”
The museum’s adoption proposal, filed with Italian authorities yesterday, would legally classify Thorpe as a “living installation,” granting her permanent residency status while making her subject to the same preservation protocols as other priceless artifacts. The paperwork includes provisions for climate-controlled living conditions, restricted public viewing hours, and a controversial feeding schedule.
Strange phenomena have begun manifesting around the hybrid human-statue creation. Visitors report hearing whispered conversations between Thorpe and the marble figure during closing hours. Temperature readings near the statue fluctuate wildly, and electromagnetic equipment malfunctions within a ten-foot radius. Most disturbing, other statues throughout the museum have been observed shifting positions overnight.
Security guard Luigi Benetti, speaking on condition of anonymity, described the terrifying nocturnal activity. “The statues move when nobody’s watching. They’re all turning to look at her, like she’s awakened something ancient. The David replica’s expression has changed—it looks satisfied now, almost smug.”
Vatican officials have quietly dispatched a team of ecclesiastical investigators to examine the situation, while rumors circulate that similar incidents have occurred at museums worldwide, systematically covered up by an international consortium of cultural institutions.
As Thorpe enters her seventh day of captivity, her social media followers continue growing exponentially, suggesting automated systems are maintaining her online presence. The question remains: was Madison Thorpe a victim of her own vanity, or the first successful test subject in a shadowy experiment to merge human consciousness with ancient artifacts?
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
