Opponents too spooked to tackle
MYSTIC FALLS, NEVADA – The small-town Mystic Falls Mustangs have become an unstoppable force this season after making the most shocking coaching decision in football history—hiring Madame Zelda Kowalski, a 67-year-old fortune teller who predicts every single play before it happens with bone-chilling accuracy.
What started as a desperate move by a winless team has spiraled into something far more sinister, as opposing teams now refuse to take the field, claiming the supernatural coach’s eerie predictions are “messing with forces beyond mortal comprehension.”
The controversy began three months ago when head coach Buck Morrison was fired after an 0-8 start. Athletic Director Frank Pemberton, facing mounting pressure from angry parents and a shrinking budget, made what he thought was a publicity stunt—hiring Kowalski, whose crystal ball parlor sits just two blocks from the high school.
“I figured we’d get some laughs, maybe sell a few more tickets,” Pemberton admitted in a hushed whisper. “I never expected… this.”
What “this” refers to is Kowalski’s uncanny ability to call out opposing teams’ plays with terrifying precision. During her first game, she correctly predicted 47 consecutive plays, speaking each one aloud exactly 30 seconds before the opposing quarterback received the snap.
“Third down, they’ll run a sweep left with number 23 carrying,” she announced during the Mustangs’ game against the Riverside Ravens. “The quarterback will stumble on his third step, and their tight end will false start.” Thirty seconds later, everything unfolded exactly as she predicted, down to the stumble and the penalty.
But it’s not just her predictions that have opposing teams spooked—it’s her methods. Sources close to the team reveal that Kowalski arrives at games wearing flowing black robes, carrying a bag of mysterious herbs that she burns on the sidelines while chanting in what linguists believe is ancient Mesopotamian.
“I’ve been coaching for 30 years, and I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Dr. Patricia Windham, a sports psychology professor at Nevada State University. “The psychological warfare aspect is unlike anything in modern athletics. These kids are so terrified that they’re making fundamental errors they learned to avoid in elementary school.”
The most disturbing incident occurred during last Friday’s homecoming game against the Desert Ridge Wildcats. Kowalski not only predicted plays but began announcing personal details about opposing players that she couldn’t possibly know.
“Number 78 is thinking about his girlfriend Sarah right now,” she called through her megaphone. “He’s worried she’s cheating with his best friend Marcus.” The 300-pound lineman immediately broke down crying and had to be carried off the field.
Eyewitness Janet Morrison, a local diner owner who attends every game, described the scene as “absolutely otherworldly.”
“The way she stares into that crystal ball, her eyes roll back white, and then she starts speaking in this voice that ain’t her own,” Morrison recounted, her hands trembling as she spoke. “Last week, she told the visiting team’s running back that his dead grandmother was disappointed in his blocking technique. The poor kid fainted right there on the 40-yard line.”
The Mustangs now boast a perfect 8-0 record since Kowalski’s hiring, but their victories feel hollow as three different schools have forfeited rather than face the psychic coach. The Nevada High School Athletic Association has launched an investigation, though officials admit they’re struggling to find any rule violations.
“There’s nothing in our rulebook about supernatural coaching assistance,” explained NHSAA spokesman Robert Krantz. “We’re consulting with both legal experts and… other specialists.”
Meanwhile, Kowalski remains unfazed by the controversy, claiming her powers are “a gift meant to bring glory to these young warriors.” She’s already making predictions about the state championship, which she claims the Mustangs will win 28-14 on a rainy Tuesday in November—despite the fact that championship games are always held on Saturdays.
As the season progresses, one question haunts everyone involved: Is Madame Zelda simply a master of psychological manipulation, or has high school football stumbled into something far more mysterious and terrifying?
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
