Cashier gives him guac instead
FRESNO, CA – In what experts are calling the most bizarre bank heist attempt since the infamous “Rubber Chicken Caper” of 1987, a 34-year-old man walked into First National Trust wielding what he claimed was an explosive device—but which turned out to be nothing more than an overripe Hass avocado from his breakfast.
The incident unfolded at 2:47 PM last Tuesday when Gerald “Guac” Martinez burst through the bank’s revolving doors, clutching the green fruit above his head like a medieval warrior brandishing a battle axe. Surveillance footage obtained exclusively by this reporter shows Martinez approaching teller window #3, where 23-year-old Cindy Pepperton was processing deposits for the afternoon rush.
“At first I thought he was just really enthusiastic about healthy eating,” Pepperton told investigators. “But then he started screaming about how he had a ‘green grenade’ and demanding all the money in my drawer. I looked at what he was holding, and I’m thinking, ‘Sir, that’s clearly produce.'”
What happened next has left federal authorities scratching their heads and wondering if this case represents a disturbing new trend in agricultural terrorism. Instead of triggering the silent alarm or following standard robbery protocols, Pepperton calmly reached under her counter and retrieved a small plastic container of store-bought guacamole from her lunch bag.
“I figured if he was going to threaten me with an avocado, maybe he was just really hungry,” Pepperton explained during her exclusive interview with Weekly World News. “So I offered him some guac. He looked confused for about thirty seconds, then asked if I had any tortilla chips.”
Security expert Dr. Millicent Crankshaw, who has studied unconventional criminal tactics for over two decades, believes this incident may be part of a larger conspiracy involving the produce industry and organized crime. “We’ve been tracking a suspicious increase in fruit-related felonies across the southwestern United States,” Dr. Crankshaw revealed from her underground bunker laboratory in Nevada. “First it was the Great Grapefruit Embezzlement in Phoenix, then the Cantaloupe Carjacking in Tucson. Now this. Someone is clearly orchestrating a campaign of citrus chaos.”
The bizarre standoff continued for nearly forty-five minutes, during which time Martinez allegedly consumed the entire container of guacamole while engaged in what witnesses describe as a “philosophical discussion about the economic implications of breakfast foods in modern society.” Bank customers formed a line behind him, apparently unaware that a robbery was in progress, with several asking if they could have some guacamole too.
Martinez’s criminal mastermind plan began to unravel when he attempted to demonstrate the explosive capabilities of his “weapon” by throwing it against the marble floor. The avocado merely splattered, creating what one janitor later described as “the most expensive mess I’ve ever had to clean up, considering it shut down the entire bank.”
FBI Special Agent Rodriguez, who declined to provide his first name for security reasons, arrived on scene just as Martinez was asking Pepperton if the bank offered any career opportunities in their cafeteria division. “In twenty years of law enforcement, I have never encountered a suspect who transitioned from attempted armed robbery to job interview in under an hour,” Agent Rodriguez admitted.
The investigation has revealed that Martinez had been unemployed for six months and was reportedly “desperate to make some guac money”—a pun that federal prosecutors are considering as evidence of premeditation. His apartment was searched and found to contain over forty-seven avocados in various stages of ripeness, along with detailed charts mapping the locations of every bank, grocery store, and Mexican restaurant within a fifty-mile radius.
Martinez has been charged with attempted robbery, disturbing the peace, and what legal experts are calling the first-ever count of “aggravated impersonation of a explosive device by organic produce.” He remains in custody on $50,000 bail.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
