Snackers beware
SPRINGFIELD, IL – A seemingly innocent vending machine outside the Shelby County Community Center has become the epicenter of a supernatural nightmare that’s left local snack enthusiasts questioning everything they thought they knew about processed corn snacks.
The trouble began three weeks ago when maintenance worker Earl Hutchins noticed something peculiar about the aged Selectivend machine that had been serving the community faithful bags of chips and candy bars for over a decade. The Funyuns – those ring-shaped onion-flavored corn snacks beloved by millions – were glowing with an eerie greenish phosphorescence that seemed to pulse in rhythm with an otherworldly heartbeat.
“I thought maybe it was just the fluorescent lights playing tricks on me,” Hutchins told this reporter, his hands still trembling as he recounted the horrifying events. “But when I reached in to grab that bag of Funyuns, it felt ice cold, and I swear I heard whispers coming from inside the package – ancient voices speaking in tongues I ain’t never heard before.”
Since that fateful day, no fewer than seventeen unsuspecting snackers have fallen victim to the cursed Funyuns, experiencing a range of paranormal phenomena that defies logical explanation. Victims report sudden compulsions to arrange their remaining snacks into mysterious geometric patterns, uncontrollable urges to speak backwards for hours at a time, and most disturbing of all – the ability to taste the deepest regrets of every person who has ever handled their food.
Local paranormal investigator Dr. Minerva Blackthorne, who holds advanced degrees in both parapsychology and snack food metaphysics from the controversial Miskatonic University, believes the vending machine may be a portal to what she calls the “Snack Food Underworld.”
“What we’re dealing with here is clearly a case of negative energy transference through processed corn products,” Dr. Blackthorne explained during an emergency séance held in the community center’s basement. “The machine appears to have been built on cursed ground – possibly an ancient burial site for extinct corn spirits. These entities are using the Funyuns as vessels to spread their malevolent influence throughout our dimension.”
The situation has escalated beyond mere supernatural snack attacks. Witnesses report that the vending machine now operates independently, dispensing cursed Funyuns at random intervals throughout the night, its mechanical humming resembling demonic chanting. Security cameras have captured footage of the bags floating in mid-air, arranging themselves into occult symbols before vanishing into thin air.
Perhaps most terrifying of all, several victims have reported receiving mysterious phone calls at exactly 3:33 AM, during which they hear only the sound of Funyuns being crunched by invisible teeth, followed by maniacal laughter that seems to emanate from the very depths of hell itself.
Town officials have attempted to remove the possessed vending machine three separate times, but each effort has been thwarted by inexplicable mechanical failures, sudden power outages, and in one case, the spontaneous combustion of a city maintenance truck. The machine appears to be protected by dark forces that will stop at nothing to continue its reign of snack-based terror.
Local pastor Reverend Timothy Goodfellow has organized nightly prayer vigils to combat what he calls “the most diabolical manifestation of evil I’ve witnessed in thirty years of ministry.” However, even these holy interventions have proven insufficient, as participants report their prayers being mysteriously interrupted by overwhelming cravings for onion-flavored corn snacks.
As this story goes to print, the haunted vending machine continues to lurk outside the community center, waiting for its next unsuspecting victim. Authorities strongly advise residents to avoid all contact with the cursed snack dispenser and to report any unusual Funyun-related phenomena immediately.
The machine’s manufacturer, reached for comment, claimed no knowledge of supernatural corn snack infestations and suggested the problem might be resolved with “routine maintenance and possibly an exorcism.”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
