“Open concept ruins my dramatic entrances”
SALEM, MASSACHUSETTS – A centuries-old specter is speaking out against the architectural trends that are making his afterlife a living hell, claiming that modern open-concept home designs have destroyed the art of supernatural intimidation.
Bartholomew Grimwood, a 17th-century merchant who has been haunting New England homes since his untimely death in 1692, recently made contact with paranormal investigators through a Ouija board session, expressing his frustration with contemporary interior design choices that have left him professionally embarrassed.
“Back in my day, homes had proper walls, doors that could slam dramatically, and dark corners where a respectable ghost could lurk,” Grimwood communicated through the spirit board. “These modern houses are nothing but giant empty boxes. How am I supposed to make a terrifying entrance when I can be seen from the kitchen while floating in the living room?”
The ghostly complaint has sent shockwaves through both the paranormal investigation community and the real estate industry, with some experts suggesting that the open-concept trend may be inadvertently driving away supernatural residents who have called certain properties home for generations.
Martha Blackwood, a homeowner in nearby Danvers, witnessed Grimwood’s spectral tantrum firsthand during a recent manifestation attempt. “He appeared near what used to be the parlor wall, but since we knocked it down during our renovation, he was just floating there in plain sight next to the kitchen island,” Blackwood reported. “You could tell he was mortified. He kept gesturing at the exposed ceiling beams and shaking his ethereal head in disgust.”
According to Grimwood’s communications, the removal of interior walls has eliminated crucial elements of effective haunting, including the ability to materialize mysteriously from behind doors, create suspenseful footsteps in upstairs hallways, and perform the classic “appearing suddenly in doorways” routine that has been a staple of supernatural scares for centuries.
“These granite countertops and stainless steel appliances completely ruin the atmosphere,” the ghost lamented through automatic writing sessions. “And don’t get me started on the recessed lighting. Whatever happened to flickering candles and ominous shadows? Now everything is lit up like a shopping mall.”
Dr. Evelyn Thornfield, professor of Paranormal Architecture Studies at the University of Vermont, believes Grimwood’s complaints represent a larger crisis facing the supernatural community. “Traditional ghosts rely heavily on architectural elements to create their signature effects,” Dr. Thornfield explained. “Without proper doors to slam, walls to knock on, or separate rooms to haunt sequentially, these entities are losing their ability to perform classic supernatural phenomena.”
The situation has become so dire that Grimwood has reportedly begun haunting older homes in historic districts, leaving his original residence of three centuries to seek more traditionally designed properties. Real estate agents in the area have noted a curious trend of “ghost flight” from recently renovated homes to older, compartmentalized houses.
Local paranormal investigator teams have documented similar complaints from other displaced spirits, with reports of phantoms refusing to inhabit homes featuring sliding barn doors, murphy beds, and multi-purpose living spaces. One vengeful spirit was allegedly overheard muttering about “participating in a haunting that looks like a furniture showroom.”
The controversy has even reached supernatural social circles, with psychic mediums reporting that ghost communities are organizing boycotts of modern architectural styles. Some spirits have threatened to unionize unless homeowners return to more traditional floor plans that accommodate proper haunting protocols.
As the housing market continues to favor open-concept designs, it appears that homebuyers may need to choose between modern living convenience and maintaining their property’s supernatural heritage.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
