Still claims victory
OCALA, FL – A homemade rocket experiment designed to expose what its builder called “the greatest lie ever told to humanity” ended in a fiery collision with a Waffle House early Tuesday morning, but the amateur astronaut behind the stunt is declaring the mission an unqualified success.
Buster “Buzz” Crankshaw, 47, a former lawn mower repairman turned flat-Earth evangelist, spent three years and his entire disability settlement constructing what he dubbed the “Truth Seeker 3000” in his backyard trailer park workshop. The 22-foot contraption, built from salvaged motorcycle parts, propane tanks, and what neighbors described as “an alarming amount of PVC pipe,” was intended to launch Crankshaw high enough to photograph the edge of our supposedly flat planet.
“The government and Big Globe have been feeding us lies since kindergarten,” Crankshaw declared from his hospital bed, sporting singed eyebrows and a triumphant grin. “But I got high enough to see what they don’t want us to know. The curvature is fake, just like I suspected. This crash was their doing—they sabotaged my landing system with some kind of space laser.”
The launch, which took place at 3:17 AM behind the Sunset Palms Mobile Home Community, was witnessed by approximately thirty flat-Earth enthusiasts who had traveled from across the Southeast to document what they believed would be a historic moment. According to eyewitness accounts, the rocket achieved an altitude of roughly 200 feet before beginning what aerospace engineer Dr. Patricia Kellerman described as “a textbook example of catastrophic trajectory failure.”
“I’ve never seen anything quite like it,” said Marlene Huckabee, who captured the entire event on her smartphone. “Buzz shot up like a bottle rocket on the Fourth of July, spinning and smoking something fierce. Then he started yelling about seeing the ice wall through his megaphone, right before he came screaming down into that Waffle House like a meteor from hell.”
The impact demolished the restaurant’s iconic yellow sign and punched a Buzz-shaped hole through the roof, landing the amateur rocketeer face-first in a stack of freshly made waffles. Miraculously, the establishment was closed for deep cleaning, preventing what fire chief Randy Kowalski called “a potential mass casualty breakfast situation.”
Dr. Kellerman, a professor of aerospace engineering at the University of Central Florida, expressed bewilderment at Crankshaw’s claims of success. “Based on the footage I’ve reviewed, Mr. Crankshaw achieved roughly the same altitude as a decent trampoline bounce. The idea that he could observe planetary curvature—or lack thereof—from 200 feet is scientifically impossible. He would need to reach at least 35,000 feet to even begin making such observations.”
But Crankshaw and his supporters remain undeterred by such “mainstream science propaganda.” The flat-Earth community has already raised over $50,000 through crowdfunding to finance Truth Seeker 4000, which Crankshaw promises will be “completely laser-proof” and equipped with “military-grade cameras that can’t be hacked by NASA.”
Local authorities are investigating potential charges related to unlawful rocket launches, property destruction, and what Sheriff’s Deputy Mike Torrino described as “general Florida man activities.” However, Crankshaw’s legal team—led by attorney Cheryl Wingspan, who also represents the Bigfoot Defense League—argues that their client was conducting legitimate scientific research protected under the First Amendment.
The Waffle House corporation has announced plans to rebuild the location with reinforced roofing, while quietly trademarking the phrase “Rocket-Proof Waffles” for future marketing campaigns. Meanwhile, Crankshaw continues recovering from his adventure, sustained by what he calls “victory waffles” and plans for his next attempt to expose the flat-Earth truth that “they” desperately want to keep hidden.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
