Still call it fake
TRENTON, NJ – A shocking expedition by prominent flat-earth researchers has ended in bewilderment after the group, attempting to locate the mythical “edge of the world,” instead stumbled upon what geographers claim is the state of New Jersey—a discovery the explorers vehemently refuse to acknowledge as legitimate.
The team of twelve “truth-seekers,” led by self-proclaimed earth scientist Dr. Bartholomew Flannigan, embarked on their ambitious journey three weeks ago from a remote location in Wyoming, equipped with compasses that they insisted would lead them straight to the precipitous drop-off where the flat earth meets the cosmic void. Instead, after days of wandering through increasingly populated areas, the group found themselves standing before the unmistakable landmarks of the Garden State, including the Statue of Liberty and numerous strip malls.
“What we discovered defies all conventional explanation,” declared expedition member Cheryl Moonbeam, adjusting her collection of crystal pendants while gesturing wildly at a Wawa convenience store. “This so-called ‘New Jersey’ is clearly an elaborate holographic projection designed to confuse genuine researchers like ourselves. The government has gone to extraordinary lengths to create this illusion, complete with fake residents, artificial traffic jams, and synthetic bagels that taste suspiciously authentic.”
The group’s findings have sent shockwaves through the international flat-earth community, with many members refusing to accept that their colleagues simply got lost using faulty navigation equipment. Instead, conspiracy theorists are hailing the discovery as proof of an even more sinister cover-up than previously imagined.
Dr. Miranda Truthstone, a self-appointed expert in governmental deception tactics and author of seventeen books about lizard people, offered her professional analysis of the situation. “This ‘New Jersey’ phenomenon represents the deep state’s most ambitious project yet,” she explained during a livestreamed emergency conference call from her underground bunker in Nevada. “They’ve created an entire fake state, populated it with crisis actors, and filled it with convincing details like industrial pollution, reality TV personalities, and inexplicably expensive tolls. It’s clearly designed to throw legitimate flat-earth researchers off the scent of the real edge.”
The expedition members have spent the past week documenting what they claim are obvious signs of the hoax, including residents who speak with suspicious accents, an unusually high concentration of diners serving identical-tasting coffee, and beaches that face the wrong direction according to their flat-earth maps. They’ve also noted the presence of what they describe as “impossibly realistic” shopping centers and an overwhelming abundance of Italian restaurants that serve “suspiciously delicious” food.
Local New Jersey residents have reacted to the flat-earthers’ presence with a mixture of amusement and irritation. Several have volunteered to provide directions to the actual edge of the earth, with most pointing the visitors toward either the Atlantic City Boardwalk or the Holland Tunnel, depending on their mood and sense of humor.
The flat-earth expedition shows no signs of abandoning their mission, despite running low on supplies and facing increasing pressure from their families to return home. Team leader Flannigan has announced plans to establish a permanent research station in what he calls the “New Jersey Deception Zone” to gather evidence of the elaborate conspiracy.
Meanwhile, government officials have declined to comment on the accusations, with a spokesperson for the Department of Transportation simply stating, “We’re too busy fixing potholes to engineer fake states.”
The group has launched a crowdfunding campaign to support their ongoing research, promising donors exclusive access to their findings and commemorative flat-earth t-shirts that definitely won’t be manufactured in New Jersey factories.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
