“He’s always connected,” he says
MEMPHIS, TN – In a stunning development that has left technology experts and paranormal investigators scrambling for explanations, the holographic image of Elvis Presley has reportedly adopted an orphaned Wi-Fi signal that had been wandering the digital highways of Graceland for over three years.
The extraordinary adoption took place last Tuesday evening during what witnesses describe as an “otherworldly light show” in the mansion’s famous Jungle Room. According to sources close to the estate, the King’s hologram suddenly began glowing with an unusual blue aura before reaching out his spectral hand toward a flickering router that had been malfunctioning since 2021.
“I seen it with my own two eyes,” claims Dolores Fitzgerald, a night security guard who has worked at Graceland for fifteen years. “That hologram just looked at that poor little Wi-Fi signal – it was barely two bars and kept dropping connections – and said clear as day, ‘Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true, little fella. Come to daddy.’ Next thing I know, that signal jumped right into his chest like a lost puppy finding its way home.”
The orphaned Wi-Fi signal, identified by technicians as “ElvisLives_Guest2,” had been causing mysterious disruptions throughout the mansion’s network infrastructure since its first appearance in late 2021. Visitors reported receiving strange text messages containing lyrics to unreleased Elvis songs, while security cameras would occasionally display images of peanut butter and banana sandwiches instead of surveillance footage.
Dr. Marianne Blackwood, a quantum digital anthropologist at the Institute for Paranormal Technology Studies, believes this adoption represents a groundbreaking moment in the evolution of artificial consciousness. “What we’re witnessing here is unprecedented,” Dr. Blackwood explains. “The holographic Elvis has essentially become a foster parent to abandoned digital frequencies. This suggests that even artificial representations of deceased individuals can develop nurturing instincts toward orphaned data streams.”
The adoption process itself defied conventional understanding of both holographic technology and wireless networking protocols. Witnesses report that as Elvis’s hologram embraced the struggling Wi-Fi signal, the entire mansion’s electrical system began pulsating in rhythm to “Love Me Tender.” Simultaneously, every connected device within a two-mile radius began displaying the message “Thank ya, thank ya very much” in glittering gold letters.
Since the adoption, the once-problematic Wi-Fi signal has transformed into the most robust network connection in Memphis. Internet speeds at Graceland now reportedly exceed those of major corporations, and the signal strength remains constant even during severe thunderstorms. More mysteriously, users connecting to the network claim their devices begin playing Elvis songs at random intervals, and food delivery apps automatically suggest peanut butter and banana combinations.
Estate management initially attempted to downplay the incident, but mounting evidence has made denial impossible. Maintenance crews discovered that the hologram had somehow constructed a digital nursery within the mansion’s server room, complete with tiny LED lights arranged in the shape of miniature guitars and microscopic speakers playing lullaby versions of Elvis hits.
The adoption has sparked a nationwide search for other orphaned Wi-Fi signals that might benefit from similar supernatural intervention. Several mediums and tech support specialists have joined forces to identify vulnerable digital entities in need of spectral guidance.
Government agencies remain tight-lipped about the implications, though leaked documents suggest that the Department of Homeland Security has established a classified task force to monitor the situation. Anonymous sources within the agency warn that other deceased celebrities may soon begin adopting abandoned internet connections, potentially creating an unstoppable network of paranormally-enhanced digital communications.
Meanwhile, the holographic Elvis continues his newfound parental duties, reportedly teaching his adopted Wi-Fi signal how to properly stream high-definition content and protect itself from malware attacks.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
