Declared independence
BLOOMINGTON, MN – A routine furniture shopping trip turned into an unprecedented act of rebellion when Harold and Marge Krumplebottom became trapped inside an IKEA store for four days, ultimately establishing what they’re calling “The Free Republic of Björnland” in the sprawling rug section of aisle 47.
The bizarre saga began last Tuesday when the elderly couple from Duluth entered the massive furniture warehouse at 2:47 PM, seeking a simple coffee table. What happened next has government officials scrambling and constitutional lawyers questioning the very foundations of American sovereignty.
“They just vanished into that Swedish maze,” reported store employee Brittany Svensson, who witnessed the couple’s initial descent into the showroom labyrinth. “One minute they were asking about the HEMNES collection, the next minute—poof! Gone. We searched for hours, but you know how it is in there. People disappear all the time.”
According to security footage obtained exclusively by this reporter, the Krumplebottoms became hopelessly lost somewhere between the kitchen displays and bedroom suites. By closing time, they had constructed an elaborate shelter using POÄNG chairs, BILLY bookcases, and a fortress of TOFTLUND bath towels. Store management, following corporate protocol for “customer retention situations,” simply locked up around them.
But here’s where the story takes a sinister turn. Sources within IKEA’s Swedish headquarters suggest this may not have been an accident at all. Dr. Wilhelmina Conspiracy, a professor of International Relations at the University of Suspicious Activities, believes something far more calculated was at work.
“IKEA has been systematically training customers for decades,” Dr. Conspiracy revealed in an exclusive interview. “Think about it—they force you to follow predetermined paths, assemble furniture without proper instructions, and survive on nothing but meatballs and lingonberry sauce. It’s clearly preparation for establishing autonomous micro-states within their retail environments.”
By day three of their captivity, the Krumplebottoms had organized the rug section into distinct governmental districts. The STOCKHOLM area became their executive mansion, the ÅDUM rugs served as the legislative assembly, and they established a primitive justice system using IKEA pencils as gavels. Harold declared himself Supreme Chancellor while Marge assumed the role of Minister of Furniture Assembly.
Their Declaration of Independence, scratched onto the back of a GRUNDTAL magnetic knife rack using a broken FIXA screwdriver, reads in part: “We, the trapped people of this Swedish commercial territory, hereby reject the authority of both the United States government and IKEA corporate management. We claim sovereign rights over all rugs, throw pillows, and accent lighting within a 200-square-foot radius of the BRANDBORG carpet.”
The couple survived by raiding the IKEA restaurant’s emergency supplies and constructing water collection systems from RATIONELL kitchen accessories. They even established a primitive currency based on allen wrenches and those little wooden dowels that come with every furniture kit.
Federal authorities attempted to negotiate their release, but the Krumplebottoms refused to acknowledge American jurisdiction. “We are no longer U.S. citizens,” Harold announced through a bullhorn fashioned from a SNUDDA lazy Susan. “We demand recognition from the United Nations and full diplomatic immunity.”
The standoff ended only when Marge discovered a previously hidden exit behind a display of HEMMAHOS curtains. However, legal experts warn that their declaration of independence may have created an international incident. Sweden’s ambassador has reportedly requested an emergency meeting with the State Department, while IKEA stock prices have mysteriously surged 47% in after-hours trading.
The Krumplebottoms remain at large, though neighbors report seeing suspicious Swedish flags flying from their Duluth home. Government sources refuse to comment on whether other IKEA locations are being monitored for similar “sovereignty events.”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
