Clone now working as doorstop
DALLAS, TEXAS – In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples through the underground scientific community, a genetically engineered clone of martial arts legend Chuck Norris escaped from a top-secret government laboratory last Tuesday, only to be defeated by the original in what witnesses describe as the most intense thumb war in recorded history.
The clone, designated “Project Alpha-Norris” by military scientists, broke free from the heavily fortified Bio-Defense Research Facility outside Dallas after reportedly growing tired of being subjected to endless roundhouse kick strength tests. Sources within the facility, speaking on condition of anonymity, reveal that the clone had developed superhuman abilities that in some cases exceeded even those of the original Chuck Norris.
“I was working the night shift when all hell broke loose,” said janitor Melvin Krankowitz, whose security clearance allowed him to witness the initial containment breach. “The clone just looked at the titanium-reinforced cell door, and it crumbled like a stale cookie. Then he walked through three concrete walls like they were made of tissue paper. I’ve never seen anything like it, and I once watched the real Chuck Norris sneeze and accidentally level a Starbucks.”
The escape triggered a Code Red alert across seventeen states, with military officials scrambling to contain what they feared could be an unstoppable force. However, their concerns proved unnecessary when the original Chuck Norris volunteered to track down his genetic duplicate.
The confrontation occurred at high noon in a deserted parking lot behind a 7-Eleven, where the two identical warriors faced off in what onlookers initially expected to be an epic battle of roundhouse kicks and death stares. Instead, both men simultaneously suggested settling their differences through the ancient art of thumb wrestling.
Dr. Wilhelmina Thornberry, a genetic engineering specialist who has been studying the government’s superhuman soldier program for over two decades, explained the significance of this unprecedented showdown. “What most people don’t understand is that thumb wrestling requires not just physical strength, but a perfect harmony of mental focus, spiritual energy, and raw determination. The fact that both versions of Chuck Norris instinctively chose this method suggests a deep psychological connection to their shared identity.”
The thumb war itself lasted exactly 3.7 seconds, though witnesses report that time seemed to slow down during the contest. The original Chuck Norris emerged victorious through what experts are calling “pure force of will combined with decades of authentic beard wisdom.”
Following his defeat, the clone reportedly broke down in tears – a sight so unprecedented that several witnesses required immediate psychological counseling. The original Chuck Norris, displaying characteristic compassion beneath his tough exterior, offered his genetic duplicate a chance at redemption through honest work.
Government sources confirm that the clone is now employed as a doorstop at the International House of Pancakes in downtown Dallas, where his superhuman density and unwavering stability make him perfectly suited for the position. Restaurant manager Patricia Fernandez reports that since the clone’s arrival, not a single door has moved even a millimeter from its intended position, regardless of hurricane-force winds or accidental forklift collisions.
The incident has raised serious questions about the ethics of cloning national treasures, with several congressional representatives calling for immediate hearings. Meanwhile, rumors persist that the government has been secretly cloning other action heroes, though officials deny reports of a Jean-Claude Van Damme duplicate working as a yoga instructor in Phoenix.
The original Chuck Norris declined to comment for this story, but sources close to the legend report that he has no hard feelings toward his clone and occasionally stops by the IHOP to share philosophical insights about door maintenance and the true meaning of strength.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
