Instructions still impossible to follow
SCHAUMBURG, IL – A routine renovation at an IKEA furniture store has uncovered what archaeologists are calling the most significant extraterrestrial discovery in human history – an ancient alien base complete with hieroglyphic assembly instructions that remain as baffling today as they were millennia ago.
The shocking discovery was made last Tuesday when construction workers attempting to expand the store’s meatball restaurant broke through what they believed to be the building’s foundation, only to find themselves staring into a vast underground chamber filled with otherworldly technology and wall-to-wall pictographic manuals that bear an unsettling resemblance to modern IKEA assembly guides.
“I’ve been doing construction for thirty years, and I’ve never seen anything like it,” said lead contractor Mike Kowalski, still visibly shaken by the experience. “There were these metallic structures everywhere – looked like furniture, but not like any furniture from this world. And the instructions… sweet mother of pearl, the instructions were just as confusing as the ones you get with a Billy bookcase today.”
The underground facility, estimated to be approximately 12,000 years old, spans nearly three acres beneath the popular furniture retailer. The chamber contains dozens of partially assembled alien artifacts, abandoned mid-construction alongside stone tablets covered in the same type of wordless, step-by-step pictograms that have frustrated Earth furniture assemblers for decades.
Dr. Melissa Hartwell, a xenoarchaeologist from the University of Chicago who was called in to examine the site, believes the discovery proves that IKEA’s notorious instruction style has extraterrestrial origins. “What we’re looking at here is clear evidence that ancient aliens visited Earth and attempted to establish some kind of outpost,” Dr. Hartwell explained. “But just like modern humans, they apparently gave up halfway through assembly when they couldn’t figure out which end of the cosmic allen wrench to use.”
The alien artifacts themselves defy easy categorization. Some appear to be furniture-like structures with impossible geometries, while others seem to be technological devices whose purpose remains unclear. All show signs of incomplete assembly, with various components scattered around the chamber floor alongside what appear to be the ancient equivalent of those little plastic bags containing mysteriously leftover screws.
Carbon dating of organic materials found in the chamber confirms the site’s prehistoric origins, while spectrographic analysis of the metallic components reveals an alloy composition unknown on Earth. Perhaps most disturbing of all, researchers have discovered what appears to be ancient alien graffiti carved into the chamber walls – crude drawings that seem to depict frustrated stick figures throwing cosmic wrenches in apparent rage.
The Swedish furniture giant has remained suspiciously tight-lipped about the discovery, with corporate headquarters in Sweden refusing to comment beyond a terse statement claiming they were “unaware of any extraterrestrial influences on our product design philosophy.” However, leaked internal documents suggest IKEA executives have been secretly studying the alien instruction tablets for years, possibly explaining why their assembly manuals continue to perplex customers worldwide.
Government officials have cordoned off the area and classified the discovery under national security provisions, but not before several cell phone videos of the alien artifacts went viral on social media. The footage shows clearly non-human construction techniques and materials that seem to shift and shimmer under artificial lighting.
Local UFO enthusiasts are hailing the discovery as vindication of their long-held beliefs about alien visitation, while frustrated furniture assemblers everywhere are simply relieved to learn they’re not alone in their struggles with incomprehensible instruction manuals.
The investigation continues as scientists work around the clock to decode the alien assembly instructions, though early attempts have resulted in nothing but confusion, missing parts, and structures that somehow end up looking nothing like the pictures.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
