First world wonder: World’s Largest Cheeseburger
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking move that has sent ripples through the international community, the United States has officially withdrawn from UNESCO and launched its own cultural organization called “FunESCO” – with plans to designate the world’s largest cheeseburger as its first official World Wonder.
Sources inside the State Department reveal that the decision came after months of heated debates about what truly represents human achievement in the 21st century. While UNESCO continues to focus on ancient ruins and dusty libraries, FunESCO promises to celebrate “real American values” and “stuff people actually care about.”
The inaugural World Wonder – a 2,000-pound cheeseburger constructed in Topeka, Kansas – stands 12 feet tall and required a specially built crane to assemble. The massive creation features 847 beef patties, 1,200 slices of American cheese, and a custom-built sesame seed bun that had to be baked in a repurposed aircraft hangar.
“I was there when they put the final pickle on top,” said Dolores Krankmeyer, a local diner waitress who witnessed the historic moment. “There were grown men crying. It was more moving than when I visited the Statue of Liberty. This burger represents everything we stand for as Americans – excess, innovation, and really good meat.”
The formation of FunESCO appears to be the brainchild of a secret task force that has been operating out of a nondescript office building in Arlington, Virginia. Leaked documents suggest the organization has been planning for months to “reclaim America’s rightful place as the arbiter of what’s actually cool in this world.”
Dr. Melvin Butterworth, a professor of International Cheeseburger Studies at the University of Nebraska, believes this move signals a dramatic shift in global cultural priorities. “What we’re seeing here is nothing short of a revolution,” Butterworth explained during an exclusive interview. “For too long, the global elite have told us that some crumbling castle in Europe is more impressive than a perfectly engineered meat tower that feeds 3,000 people. FunESCO is finally giving voice to the common man’s definition of wonder.”
The organization’s charter, obtained through anonymous sources, reveals ambitious plans for future World Wonders. Proposed sites include the world’s largest ball of rubber bands (currently under construction in Ohio), a drive-through wedding chapel shaped like Elvis Presley (planned for Nevada), and a museum dedicated entirely to things people have found in their couch cushions (location to be determined).
International reaction has been swift and polarized. While several European UNESCO officials dismissed FunESCO as “culturally bankrupt” and “an embarrassment to civilization,” early membership applications have reportedly flooded in from countries tired of being overshadowed by ancient pyramids and medieval cathedrals.
The timing of this announcement coincides with mysterious federal contracts awarded to several fast-food equipment manufacturers and a sudden surge in government cheese purchases that exceed normal strategic reserve requirements. Insiders suggest these moves are connected to a broader initiative to establish “American Cultural Supremacy” on the world stage.
FunESCO’s headquarters, a converted strip mall in suburban Maryland, features a gift shop selling miniature replicas of the Kansas cheeseburger and t-shirts reading “My Wonder Can Beat Up Your Wonder.” The organization plans to charge admission fees significantly lower than traditional UNESCO sites, with combo meal packages available.
Critics argue this represents a dangerous dumbing-down of cultural appreciation, but supporters see it as long-overdue recognition that American innovation deserves equal standing with dusty artifacts from dead civilizations. As one anonymous State Department official noted, “When aliens visit Earth someday, what do you think will impress them more – some old stones stacked in a triangle, or a cheeseburger you can see from space?”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
