Earth not invited due to “poor rhythm”
TRANQUILITY BASE, LUNA – Evidence has surfaced of a secret alien base lurking in the dark craters of the far side of the moon, and according to credible sources, it hosts the most outrageous interstellar karaoke parties this side of the Milky Way.
The news comes from veteran lunar explorer Buzz Aldrin, who spilled the cosmic beans during a recent alcoholics anonymous meeting. “Those little green guys sure know how to get down,” slurred Aldrin. “That time I thought I saw a monolith on the moon? Totally real – and it was pumping ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ at earsplitting volumes.”
Aldrin’s claims are backed up by readings from an unmanned rover deployed by the clandestine SNARLED (Secret NASA And Russian Lunar Exploratory Division) unit. Shocking thermal images captured by the rover reveal cyclopean structures emitting powerful warmth and rhythmic pulsations.
“The energy signatures are consistent with an epic rave,” explains SNARLED lead scientist Dr. Dmitri Vazhenin. “Crossed with readings I’ve taken at karaoke bars back on Earth while drowning my loneliness in a bottles of bargain vodka.”
While the leading hypothesis is that the lunar cantina caters to raucous touring parties of alien outlaws, a handful of fringe researchers posit it could be a sophisticated alien observation post – studying humanity’s musical development from afar before determining if we’re culturally evolved enough for first contact.
“Think about it – they chose karaoke nights as the deciding factor,” argues veteran ufologist Stanton Freberg. “That should tell you everything about their standards. Humanity hasn’t got a chance until we get our rhythm in order.”
Whatever the secret moon base’s purpose, this much is clear: humanity isn’t on the guest list. At least not until we sort out our garbled caterwauling and eternal struggles to clap on the beat.
“I tried politely waving over an alien bartender for a drink once,” recounts Aldrin. “But he just scowled and flashed a neon sign saying ‘Earth Not Invited – You Tone Deaf Apes Couldn’t Carry a Tune in a Bucket.'”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
