Originals retired to hidden bowling alley
ROSWELL, NM – Ever since President Ronald Reagan’s second term, the Presidents of the United States have been clones, according to former White House insiders and “genetic replacement” experts. The originals were quietly ushered into a gilded retirement community hidden deep within a decommissioned Air Force base, free to live out their days bowling, fishing, and enjoying other geriatric pursuits.
“It’s an open secret in D.C. that Ronald Reagan wasn’t himself those last few years,” confided “Deep Gills,” a former White House chef who prepared meals for several administrations. “One day in ’83 he went in for a routine colonoscopy and never came out the same. Well, I guess he didn’t really come out at all!”
According to Deep Gills, the real Reagan was swapped out with an aged clone who had been bred from the president’s harvested cells and accelerated to senior citizenship in a clandestine biotech facility. The replica was fitted with a cybernetic memory implant to mimic Reagan’s mannerisms and beliefs.
“They chose Reagan to be the first because of his advanced years and slipping mental acuity,” said Dr. Haydyn Tryst, a fringe geneticist. “The public hardly noticed the switch. From then on, it became standard operating procedure.”
Subsequent presidents like Bush, Clinton, Bush again, Obama, and Trump were all replicated before taking office, with their progenitors exiled to an underground “oldies colony” known as the Flamingo Lanes Luxury Retirement Village.
“It’s like Leisure World for Ex-Presidents,” revealed Deep Gills. “They’ve got shuffle board, a dinner theater, even an on-site medicentre to 3D-print new hips and knees. But the main attraction is this ridiculously huge bowling alley, with hundreds of pristine lanes.”
The Flamingo Lanes complex is a virtual civilian-proof biosphere, hidden deep within a former Air Force bunker in the remote Nevada desert. Staff and security are reportedly sworn to silence through Draconian non-disclosure agreements and cash settlements.
“To think all those big summit meetings, historic negotiations, those were just clones following orders from some shadowy cabal,” scoffed Dr. Tryst. “Makes you question everything about our democracy, doesn’t it?”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
