Claims it’s “too humid for hiding now”
MIAMI, FL – The mythical creature known as Bigfoot, long believed to roam the forests of the Pacific Northwest, has reportedly purchased a luxury condominium in the heart of Miami. In a shocking turn of events that has left the cryptozoology community reeling, the elusive sasquatch has traded in its woodland hideaway for a prime piece of South Beach real estate.
According to eyewitness accounts, the towering, ape-like figure was spotted strolling down Ocean Drive, clad in nothing but a pair of board shorts and a Miami Heat cap. Shocked onlookers couldn’t believe their eyes as the hirsute beast stopped to peruse the window displays of high-end boutiques and sip on a piña colada.
“I thought I was hallucinating from the heat,” said local resident Maria Gonzalez. “But then this massive, hairy creature walked right past me, leaving behind a trail of footprints the size of dinner plates. It was like something straight out of a horror movie.”
Real estate agent Javier Hernandez, who brokered the sale of the $3.2 million condo, recounted his bizarre encounter with the cryptid client. “He – or it – showed up at my office one day, clutching a briefcase full of cash. At first, I thought it was some kind of prank, but then he started grunting and pointing at listings for beachfront properties.”
Hernandez, still visibly shaken, continued, “I’ve dealt with some eccentric buyers in my time, but nothing could have prepared me for a client who stands over eight feet tall and has feet the size of snow shovels.”
Renowned cryptozoologist Dr. Loren Coleman, an expert on Bigfoot sightings, offered a possible explanation for the creature’s sudden relocation. “Bigfoot has long been rumored to be highly sensitive to changes in climate and habitat,” he explained. “With rising temperatures and increased deforestation in the Pacific Northwest, it’s possible that the humid, subtropical environment of Miami has become more appealing to the elusive species.”
As word of Bigfoot’s Miami purchase spreads, conspiracy theorists are already spinning tales of government cover-ups and secret genetic engineering programs. Some even speculate that the sasquatch’s move to the Sunshine State is part of a larger plan to establish a permanent settlement for its kind.
“It’s no coincidence that Bigfoot chose Miami,” claimed online theorist Jacob Miller. “With its diverse population and liberal attitudes, it’s the perfect place for a cryptid to blend in and gradually introduce itself to human society.”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
