Blames “galactic hunger protocol”
BUFFALO, NY –
It was a quiet Tuesday night in the sleepy suburban town of Willow Grove. Jane Carmichael had just finished heating up her famous tuna casserole for dinner when an otherworldly force descended upon her humble kitchen.
“At first, I thought I was just hearing things,” the 47-year-old homemaker recounts, her voice still quivering from the harrowing ordeal. “But then I saw the microwave light up on its own, and the plate of casserole just…vanished!”
Carmichael isn’t the only Willow Grove resident to have recently fallen victim to what appears to be an extraterrestrial appetite for leftovers. Over the past few weeks, several neighborhood microwaves have been remotely activated, their contents beamed up and stolen by unknown parties.
“We’ve had multiple reports of reheated meals disappearing in clouds of ionized particles,” says Officer Dan Wilkins of the Willow Grove Police Department. “At this point, we have to consider the possibility of an alien interference.”
According to former Area 51 engineer and alien technology expert, Mark Kaufman, there could be a reasonable explanation behind the rash of microwave robberies plaguing the town. He theorizes that visiting extraterrestrials may be enacting an intergalactic equivalent of a “hunger protocol.”
“Many intelligent alien civilizations believe in respecting lower life forms by not directly harming or killing them for sustenance,” Kaufman explains. “However, technologically advanced races could have found ways to remotely hijack and dematerialize already ‘dead’ food sources like leftovers.”
He continues, “They may see it as a harmless way to sate their interstellar cravings while upholding their ethical principles of nonviolence.”
The expert’s hypothesis finds support from a recent anonymous call into Willow Grove’s Alien Encounter Hotline.
“Look, I don’t normally do this sort of thing,” an electronically disguised voice states in the recorded message. “But your planet’s reheated meals are, well, to put it bluntly…out of this world! We realize taking them may seem strange, but it’s actually following official ‘galactic hunger protocol’ as outlined by the Cosmic Council of Beings.”
As the spate of microwave invasions continues to baffle the locals of Willow Grove, many have started employing creative countermeasures to protect their food. Some place lead-lined boxes over their appliances, while others have resorted to posting “alien diet plan” printouts near their microwaves, offering healthier snack alternatives.
“I just want them to take my sun-dried tomato snackers instead,” pleads Carmichael. “Those are way better for you!”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
