Requests “salt and human memes”
CYBERSPACE – An unprecedented global crisis unfolded yesterday as a mysterious alien hacker hijacked the internet, effectively shutting down the entire World Wide Web until their bizarre demands were met. According to cybersecurity experts, the extraterrestrial assailant managed to infiltrate and disable every major internet service provider, web host, and telecommunications network on the planet.
“It was like nothing we’ve ever seen before,” said cybersecurity consultant Jennifer Alvarez, one of the first to analyze the attack. “This wasn’t your typical virus or malware. The code was completely alien—pun intended. It rewrote itself faster than we could decrypt it. And the encryption? Forget about it. We’re talking bleeding-edge, next-millennium stuff here.”
Within hours of the attack, the hacker issued their startling ransom via a garbled video transmission intercepted by the U.S. Department of Cyberthronic Warfare: a seemingly infinite loop of distorted images resembling snack foods and internet memes, interspersed with a repeating audio message in an unintelligible language.
“Based on our initial analysis, we believe the alien is demanding some kind of unusual tribute in the form of salty snacks and, I kid you not, human memes,” explained xenolinguist Dr. Marcus Boyd. “Apparently, it has developed a bizarre obsession with our internet culture.”
While officials scrambled to negotiate with the digital extraterrestrial invader, the global effects of the internet blackout grew more severe with each passing hour. From crippled financial markets to life-saving technologies gone haywire, some estimates placed the economic toll in the trillions.
“The aliens could be holding us hostage for nothing more than Doritos and Doge memes,” warned fringe blogger and internet watchdog Dennis Kramer. “Just think about how far our planet’s interconnected systems have fallen under the thrall of these inhuman interlopers! It’s almost like… like we’re puppets dancing for our snack overlords from the stars!”
As for the snacks and memes themselves, major brands like Frito-Lay, Kellogg’s, and Meta raced to compile the requested tributes while fringe conspiracy theorists claimed the entire debacle was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the snack illuminati.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
