No garlic floss allowed
FANG FALLS, PA –
For years, residents of this sleepy town have whispered about the strange new dentist and his unorthodox practice. But now, the truth can finally be told – Dr. Vlad Tepes is a real-life vampire, and his “Eternal Smiles” clinic caters exclusively to the undead community.
“At first, I thought it was just a gimmick, you know? A way to stand out from the competition,” said Jane Austen, a local writer who had a routine cleaning at the clinic last month. “But then I saw him…drinking from a goblet during my appointment. And his teeth! They were so sharp and inhuman.”
According to Dr. Tepes himself, vampires have unique dental needs that modern dentistry simply cannot address. “We require much more durable enamel to withstand the rigors of rending flesh and crunching bone,” he said in an exclusive interview. “Not to mention the fangs – keeping those babies sharp is an art form.”
The clinic’s services range from the conventional, like cleanings and fillings, to the bizarrely specialized, including “tusk sharpening” and “anti-coagulant rinses.” Perhaps most disturbing is the so-called “Smile Immortalization” procedure, which claims to permanently preserve a patient’s grin in a rictus of macabre delight.
“It’s a safe space for vampires to receive quality dental care without fear of discrimination or having to hide who they truly are,” insisted Dr. Tepes. “No more lurking in the shadows, living as societal outcasts. We’re overdue for a Vampire Renaissance!”
But not everyone is convinced this clinic is a blessing for the vampire community. “Dr. Tepes’ methods are unnatural and an affront to our ancient ways,” warned Baroness Carmilla Karnstein, a self-proclaimed expert on vampire tradition. “Immortal life is intended to be one of quiet lurking and crepuscular misery, not…smiling about it.”
The controversy seems unlikely to deter Dr. Tepes and his team of “hygenists” (who staff insist are not ghouls or zombies, but living employees). The clinic is already taking appointments for next year’s “Vampire Awareness Week” promotion – which offers a free enamel re-coating with every fang piercing.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
