“I warned them about roundabouts”
GRIDLOCK CITY, NE – The downtown area was brought to a virtual standstill yesterday as a self-proclaimed time traveler caused a massive traffic snarl, ranting about the impending apocalypse and the evils of modern roundabout intersections.
According to eyewitnesses, the disturbance began around 4pm when a disheveled man emerged from a suspiciously vintage-looking phone booth on Main Street. Immediately drawing the attention of passersby, he began shouting dire warnings about an imminent cataclysmic event that would bring civilization to its knees.
“He was yelling about how we were all doomed unless we changed our ways and got rid of those devil’s playpens they call roundabouts,” recalled Darlene Wiggins, a local barista. “Said they were going to cause the unraveling of the entire space-time continuum or some such nonsense.”
The disturbance quickly escalated as the self-proclaimed time-traveler, donning what appeared to be a tinfoil-lined trenchcoat, tried to direct traffic himself. Ignoring signals and wildly gesticulating, he jumped in front of cars, causing a multi-block gridlock.
“This kook steps out into the middle of the intersection, ranting about paradox loops and instructing people to make turns that didn’t exist,” said an incredulous Chuck Daniels, an area cab driver caught in the snarl. “Next thing I know, I’ve got pedestrians pounding on my doors saying I’m part of some vast chronological conspiracy.”
Despite attempts by authorities to subdue the bizarre protester, he seemed impervious to both reason and moderate force. The standoff dragged on for over three hours until, just as suddenly as he appeared, the man ducked back into the antiquated phone booth from whence he came, disappearing in a blinding flash of light.
“I’ve studied the theoretical underpinnings of temporal displacement my entire career, and I can say with absolute certainty that this individual’s ravings defy all known laws of physics,” stated Dr. Emilia Verne, a preeminent physicist from Miskatonic University. “And yet, the evidence of my own eyes cannot be dismissed so easily. The only conceivable conclusion is that someone, or something, has punched a hole through the very fabric of our space-time.”
While officials attempt to make sense of the baffling incident, many Gridlock City residents are taking the unidentified chrononaut’s warnings about civilization’s downfall to heart and making preparations. A grassroots movement is already underway to petition for the removal of all roundabout intersections within the city limits. As one local bumper sticker now reads: “Abolish the Circles of Doom!”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
