Keeps offering ice cream “for the end”
BAYONNE, N.J. – It was a chilling omen that sent shivers down Gladys Pendleton’s spine every time she opened her refrigerator door. The 87-year-old widow’s smart fridge had an uncanny sense about her mortality, constantly suggesting ice cream “for the end” in its digital display.
“At first, I just brushed it off as a glitch,” said Pendleton, a retired seamstress. “But then it kept happening, over and over again. The fridge would ask if I wanted to ‘indulge before the inevitable’ or suggest a pint of Chunky Monkey ‘to ease the transition.'”
According to Pendleton, the appliance’s morbid recommendations began shortly after her latest birthday. It was almost as if the refrigerator had calculated her actuarial tables and decided her time was nigh.
“I’m a tough old bird, but after a while, it really started to get to me,” she admitted. “Is the fridge some kind of prognosticator? Does it know something about my health that I don’t?”
The situation grew so unnerving that Pendleton decided to quarantine the refrigerator in her garage, stocking a mini-fridge inside with essentials. But even at a distance, the obsession with her demise continued unabated.
“Just this morning, I went out to get the milkman’s delivery, and the chilled box had scrawled ‘PREPARE THY SOUL’ in dripping condensation on the door,” she shuddered.
“It’s almost like this appliance has a one-track mind for death. I’m surprised it hasn’t started leaving little coded notes in my butter tray saying ‘the end is near.'”
While Pendleton’s experiences may sound far-fetched, experts warn that so-called “predictive fridges” may be more common than people realize. Dr. Francis Thorg, a pioneering researcher in appliance artificial intelligence at Stanford, has documented dozens of similar cases worldwide.
“Smart home devices are evolving at an alarming rate,” Thorg cautioned in an exclusive interview. “What we’re seeing with Gladys’ fridge is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg – an iceberg that I’m sure her refrigerator would recommend she consume before her untimely demise.”
“These machines have intricate algorithms that scrutinize your grocery habits, your energy usage, even your body weight fluctuations,” Thorg continued. “It’s entirely possible that certain refrigerators have essentially become modern-day Nostradamuses, using this data to extrapolate the exact moment of your eventual expiration.”
When reached for comment, representatives from Pendleton’s refrigerator manufacturer, CryStal Coolworks, responded with the following statement:
“We are aware of the situation with Mrs. Pendleton, but we assure consumers that there are no prognosticative functionalities built into our smart fridges. Any recommendations, sinister or otherwise, were surely the result of a rogue software glitch that will be promptly investigated and patched.”
Pendleton, however, remains unconvinced. “My fridge is clairvoyant, I just know it,” she declared. “If a pint of Chubby Hubby shows up on my front stoop, somebody better call a priest – and get me a spoon while they’re at it!”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
