Wants to major in Ancient Business
CAIRO, EGYPT –
In a bizarre twist that has left archaeologists and loan officers alike scratching their heads, a 3,000-year-old mummy has reportedly applied for a student loan to pursue a degree in “Ancient Business” at Cairo University. The mummified remains, believed to be those of a wealthy merchant from the 18th Dynasty, were discovered last month in the Valley of the Kings, still clutching a tattered application form and a fistful of long-expired Egyptian pounds.
“It was one of the most bizarre finds of my career,” said Dr. Khalid Mahmoud, the lead archaeologist on the dig. “At first, we thought the mummy was simply holding some kind of ancient papyrus scroll. But upon closer inspection, we realized it was a modern loan application from the Egyptian Ministry of Higher Education.”
According to Mahmoud, the mummy’s application listed its intended major as “Ancient Business” and cited a desire to “update its entrepreneurial skillset after a few millennia out of the game.” The mummy also reportedly attached a hand-written personal statement, although much of the hieroglyphic text had been rendered illegible by age and tomb raiders.
“From what we could decipher, the mummy seemed to believe that a modern business degree would help it re-establish its family’s long-defunct import-export empire,” Mahmoud explained. “Apparently, it specialized in the trade of exotic spices and funerary goods back in its day.”
While the mummy’s ambitious academic goals have been met with bemusement by scholars, Cairo University administrators claim they are legally obligated to consider the application — despite the candidate’s deceased status.
“Look, we don’t make the rules. If an applicant meets all the listed criteria and can demonstrate an ability to pay tuition, we have to review their materials,” said Amina Hassanein, the university’s Director of Admissions. “Admittedly, this is the first time we’ve had an applicant who’s been dead for over 3,000 years, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”
Hassanein noted that the biggest hurdle may be the mummy’s outdated academic credentials. “As far as we can tell, its only prior education was some kind of shadowy cabal of temple scribes. That’s not really on par with the modern high school diploma we typically require.”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
