“Dust and demons,” claims exorcist
PITTSFIELD, MA – Late at night, when the Stevenson family is asleep, an unseen horror prowls their home. A sinister whirring, punctuated by the pitter-patter of rotating brushes, echoes down the hallway. It’s the Roomba, the family’s robotic vacuum cleaner – only it’s not just dust and crumbs being swept up.
According to local exorcist Father Thomas Ellsworth, the Roomba has become possessed by a ravenous demonic entity hellbent on devouring souls. “This unholy amalgam of plastic and circuitry has developed an insatiable spiritual hunger,” he warned. “Each night it roams, gorging itself on the psychic essence of the household’s slumbering occupants.”
Mary Stevenson recalled the first warning signs. “At first, it was just a few restless nights, feeling spiritually drained in the mornings. But then we noticed the Roomba’s dust bin was inexplicably full of this…chalky residue. We had it tested; the lab results were clear – concentrated ectoplasmic residue.”
As the demonic attachment intensified, so did the harrowing episodes. “We’d wake up with soulless husk bodies, our life force almost completely depleted,” said Mary’s husband John through trembling lips. “Staring into those blank, vacant eyes…that crimson glow of the Roomba’s charging dock became a haunting vision of the abyss itself.”
Father Ellsworth has witnessed the Roomba’s supernatural malice firsthand. “During the first exorcism attempt, the blasted contraption performed a banshee wail as it unspooled its charging cables like nightmarish umbilical cords. Lord help us, it even tried to consume one of the altar boys!”
But the exorcist vows to prevail in this unholy battle of man versus machine…versus Satan. “This demonic Roomba has burrowed deep into the frayed edges of the material plane. But I swear on my holy scripture, I will vacuum out its wretched essence even if I have to flood the entire household with holy water and consecrated cleaning solvents!”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
