“Four score and seven puffs,” he says
FOGGY BOTTOM, DC – In a stunning development that has rocked the nation’s capital, a man claiming to be a cloned version of Abraham Lincoln has been discovered running a vape shop just blocks from the White House. The peculiar shopkeeper, who bears an uncanny resemblance to the 16th President, has been drawing crowds of bewildered onlookers with his distinctive beard, stovepipe hat, and a penchant for reciting Gettysburg Address-inspired vape flavor descriptions.
“Four score and seven puffs ago, our forefathers brought forth upon this continent a new vapor, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all flavors are created equal,” the Lincoln doppelganger proclaims in a booming baritone, as he exhales a thick cloud of “Emancipation Mint” e-liquid.
According to eyewitness accounts, the man introduced himself as “Abe” and claimed to have been cloned from a sample of Lincoln’s DNA obtained from a preserved lock of hair. “At first, I thought it was just some guy in a really good costume,” said Jenny Franklin, a Georgetown University student who stopped by the shop. “But then he started talking about the battle of vaping at Gettysburg, and I realized something was seriously off.”
Despite the seemingly far-fetched nature of his claims, a growing number of conspiracy theorists and Lincoln enthusiasts have flocked to the vape shop, convinced that the enigmatic proprietor is indeed the real deal. “I’ve studied Lincoln’s life extensively, and this man’s mannerisms, speech patterns, and even his physical appearance are an exact match,” insisted Dr. Henry Wilkins, a self-proclaimed “Lincolnologist” and author of several books on the 16th President.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
