Now demands stocks and Bitcoin
PURRRRR, CA – Mittens, a seemingly ordinary housecat, has undergone a shocking transformation after accidentally consuming lab-grown tuna laced with an experimental substance. Once a simple feline companion, Mittens now possesses psychic abilities and an insatiable hunger for financial domination.
The bizarre chain of events began when Mittens’ owner, Susan Whiskersby, participated in a clinical trial for lab-grown seafood. Little did she know that a tiny portion of the experimental tuna had been contaminated with a top-secret neurotransmitter designed to enhance psychic receptivity.
“One minute, Mittens was just lounging on the couch, basking in the sun,” recounted Whiskersby. “The next, she sat up straight, her eyes glowing with an eerie brilliance, and demanded we invest in Bitcoin and buy stocks in a booming cryptocurrency firm.”
Stunned by her cat’s sudden financial acumen, Whiskersby initially dismissed the occurrence as a bizarre coincidence. However, Mittens’ newfound psychic prowess soon became undeniable.
“She predicted the exact time the mailman would arrive for three consecutive days,” said a bewildered Whiskersby. “And when I ignored her stock tips, she scratched up the couch in what I can only describe as a vengeful fury.”
Experts in the field of feline parapsychology are equally baffled by Mittens’ extraordinary abilities. Dr. Phineas Catnip, a renowned animal psychic, admitted, “I’ve never encountered a case quite like this. It’s as if Mittens has tapped into a higher plane of financial consciousness.”
As word of Mittens’ psychic powers spread, a cult-like following has emerged, with investors flocking to Purrrrr to seek her divine investment guidance. Mittens, however, has become increasingly demanding, insisting on being paid in premium tuna and catnip-infused Bitcoin.
“She’s holding the entire town hostage with her predictions,” lamented Mayor Felina Furball. “If we don’t comply with her demands, she threatens to crash the local economy with her psychic machinations.”
Meanwhile, the pharmaceutical company responsible for the contaminated tuna has gone into damage control mode, adamantly denying any involvement in creating a psychic cat overlord.
As the world watches in disbelief, one thing is certain: Mittens’ reign of financial terror has only just begun, and no one – not even the most seasoned stockbrokers – is safe from her furry, all-knowing paws.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
