“Someone clicked the wrong multiverse,” claims angel
HEAVEN’S GATE, PEARLY REALM – According to inside sources within the Heavenly Host, the long-prophesied Apocalypse was narrowly avoided last Thursday due to what is being described as an “administrative blunder of cosmic proportions.”
Archangel Raphael, speaking on condition of anonymity, confided that a lower-ranking angel accidentally clicked the wrong option on the Celestial Mainframe, triggering a system-wide error that cascaded across multiple multiverses.
“It was a total SNAFU,” the Archangel said, ruffling his luminous wings in agitation. “One minute, we’re preparing for the End Times according to the Divine Plan, and the next, every celestial chronometer is flashing ‘Delay’ in blazing crimson letters.”
The mix-up allegedly occurred within the highest echelons of Heaven’s top-secret “Omega Protocol” division, responsible for overseeing the Final Judgment and subsequent reorganization of all existing planes of existence.
“Someone clicked the wrong multiverse,” a contrite Seraph admitted through tears of liquid light. “Instead of initiating the Grand Reckoning across our home cosmos, we somehow ended up corrupting data streams in a neighboring reality cluster.”
While details remain hazy, it appears the errant click caused a catastrophic merge between the Prime Multiverse Blueprint and an experimental simulation environment, leading to what one traumatized Dominion described as “an unholy fusion of apocalyptic proportions.”
“One nanocycle, I was preparing to sound the Trumpet of Extinction,” the shaken angel recalled, “and the next, my instrument had transformed into a blasphemous hybrid vuvuzela-trombone monstrosity, belching forth pure chaos.”
On the material plane, reactions to the near-cosmic calamity ranged from utter bewilderment to grudging relief.
“I was midway through looting an abandoned Walmart when the skies turned into a roiling kaleidoscope of nightmares,” recalled self-proclaimed survivalist Buck A. Roo. “Couldn’t tell if it was the acid kicking in or the actual Rapture.”
Dr. Zelda Zyrcon, Head of Eschatological Studies at Doomsayer University, urged cautious optimism. “While a miscalculation of this magnitude is deeply concerning, we can take solace in the fact that existence, in some form, still persists,” she said, idly scratching eldritch sigils into her forearm. “That said, I would advise stocking up on canned goods and ritual components, just to be safe.”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
