Cite reality TV and leaf blowers
ROSWELL, N.M. – In a shocking development that could have far-reaching consequences for life on Earth, a collective of extraterrestrial beings has filed a multi-trillion-dollar lawsuit against the inhabitants of our planet, citing persistent noise pollution as a violation of intergalactic treaties and an infringement on their cosmic rights.
The legal battle, which has been brewing for decades, came to a head this week when a delegation of Greys, Reptilians, and Nordics convened in a remote desert location to formally announce their grievances and demand immediate action. According to their lead attorney, Zor’akh the Illuminated, the noise levels emanating from Earth have become “unbearable and a threat to the very fabric of existence.”
“For too long, our pleas for a quieter coexistence have fallen on deaf ears,” Zor’akh addressed a crowd of stunned onlookers and government officials. “The incessant din of reality TV shows, leaf blowers, and other Earth-based auditory assaults has disrupted the delicate balance of the cosmos and caused irreparable harm to our species.”
The aliens claim that the constant barrage of noise has wreaked havoc on their sensitive telepathic abilities, interfering with their ability to communicate and navigate the vast expanses of the universe. Moreover, they allege that the cacophony has driven many of their brethren to the brink of madness, with some even resorting to self-imposed exile in the darkest corners of the galaxy.
“We have tried to reason with the humans, but they seem incapable of comprehending the gravity of their actions,” said Xyl’thor, a renowned xenobiologist and expert witness in the case. “The noise pollution has become a cosmic scourge, and if left unchecked, it could unravel the very fabric of existence as we know it.”
Eyewitness accounts from those present at the announcement paint a surreal picture of the proceedings. Local resident and avid UFO enthusiast, Burt Jenkinson, described a scene straight out of a science fiction movie.
“I was just out stargazing like I do every night, when all of a sudden, these massive ships descended from the sky,” Jenkinson recounted, his voice trembling with excitement. “Next thing I know, these tall, skinny dudes in robes start teleporting down and setting up some kind of intergalactic courtroom right there in the desert.”
The lawsuit, which demands a staggering sum of “eleventy-billion Galactic Credits” in damages, has sent shockwaves through the halls of power on Earth. Government officials have been tight-lipped about their response strategy, but sources close to the matter suggest that a team of top-secret negotiators has been assembled to engage in diplomatic talks with the alien collective.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
