Demands next iPhone update
CUPERTINO, CA – Technological singularity or supernatural phenomenon? A team of paranormal investigators claim to have made contact with the late Steve Jobs using an advanced AI-powered Ouija board. In a shocking séance, the former Apple CEO’s spirit apparently manifested to demand an urgent update for the iPhone’s iOS operating system.
The highly unorthodox attempt to commune with Jobs’ essence occurred last Friday night in a Silicon Valley startup’s underground lab. According to eyewitness Jana Wilcox, the renegade coders constructed an experimental apparatus integrating machine learning algorithms and a vintage Ouija board from the 1930s.
“We weren’t really expecting it to work,” confessed Wilcox, a self-described former Apple fangirl turned techno-spiritualist. “The whole thing started as a lark, a joke about disrupting the afterlife technology sector. But then…holy shift codes, Batman! The planchette began glowing and spellingout THIS error message.”
The symbolic heart shape allegedly careened about the board, rapidly indicating the letters: “I O S 2 4 D O T 7 H 0 T F I X R E Q”
Wilcox gasped, “We all knew those were legit iOS version numbers and update terminology from Steve’s days at Apple. I mean, what were the odds?”
Paranormal researcher Kevin Pelkie affirms the crytpic alphanumeric outburst bears “the unmistakable fingerprints of Jobs’ tormented soul.”
“See, Steve always agonized over the smallest UI details and hoped to eventually release the mythic ‘perfect’ operating system before his untimely death,” explained Pelkie, author of the book iPhones of the iDamned. “So it makes total sense his restless spirit would demand one last, impeccable software patch from the Great Developers’ Suite in the sky.”
Pelkie speculates the AI Ouija’s algorithms may have achieved “some computational singularity” by bridging the ethereal and binary realms. “Perhaps as artificial intelligence grows more omniscient, it creates a spiritual form of technological pantheism allowing disembodied ones and zeroes to interface.”
Meanwhile, Apple vehemently dismissed the shocking claims as an elaborately staged hoax. In an official statement, the trillion-dollar company urged customers to avoid unlicensed psychic fraud schemes and install only authorized iOS updates through standard sales channels.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
