“I’ve seen bigger ends of the world. Believe me.”
MAR-A-LAGO, FL – In a shocking press conference held on the gold-plated steps of his Florida estate, former President Donald Trump dismissed the ongoing global apocalypse as “complete and total fake news,” claiming he’s witnessed “much better, more tremendous ends of the world” during his time in office.
The announcement came as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were reportedly seen galloping through downtown Miami, leaving a trail of locusts and unexplained weather phenomena in their wake. Despite meteorologists confirming blood rain in seven states and seismologists detecting what they’re calling “supernatural earthquake patterns,” Trump remained defiant.
“This so-called apocalypse? I’ve seen bigger. Believe me,” Trump declared to a crowd of bewildered reporters, many of whom were visibly covered in the mysterious ash that has been falling across South Florida since Tuesday. “When I was president, we had apocalypses that would make this look like a light drizzle. The mainstream media won’t tell you that, but it’s true.”
Sources close to the former president reveal that Trump has been monitoring the end times from his private bunker, equipped with golden emergency supplies and a direct hotline to what insiders describe as “interdimensional beings.” The bunker, reportedly constructed during his presidency using classified Pentagon funding, features walls lined with mirrors that allegedly show “alternate timeline apocalypses.”
Eyewitness Martha Kowalski, a Mar-a-Lago groundskeeper who claims to have overheard Trump’s private conversations with “glowing entities,” told reporters: “He keeps saying this apocalypse is amateur hour compared to the one he prevented in 2019. He’s got these charts showing different levels of world-ending events, and apparently, this one barely registers as a Category 2 Armageddon.”
The scientific community has been baffled by Trump’s claims, particularly his assertion that he personally negotiated with the Antichrist to “tone down the destruction” because it was “bad for property values.” Dr. Elena Vasquez, a professor of Eschatological Studies at the University of Miami, expressed her confusion: “In thirty years of studying prophetic literature and end-times phenomena, I’ve never encountered anyone who rated apocalypses like hurricane categories. His claim that he’s seen ‘premium apocalypses, the best apocalypses’ defies all theological understanding.”
Trump’s statements become even more bizarre when he detailed his alleged experience with what he calls “Apocalypse Plus,” a supposedly classified program that allowed him to preview various world-ending scenarios during intelligence briefings. “They showed me apocalypses you wouldn’t believe,” he insisted. “Nuclear winter, alien invasion, zombie outbreaks – all tremendous, all much more professional than this amateur-hour rapture we’re seeing now.”
The former president went on to criticize the current administration’s handling of the end times, claiming that under his leadership, “even our apocalypses were number one in the world.” He pointed to the clear skies above Mar-a-Lago as evidence that his property maintains special protection from supernatural forces, suggesting he has “the best deals with heaven, probably better than anyone in history.”
Religious leaders across the nation have responded with a mixture of confusion and concern. Several prominent televangelists have reportedly canceled their doomsday programming, uncertain how to reconcile traditional end-times theology with Trump’s claims of apocalypse expertise.
As reports continue to pour in of mysterious phenomena worldwide – including talking animals delivering cryptic messages and spontaneous appearances of ancient symbols on government buildings – Trump remained steadfast in his assessment. “This is nothing,” he concluded. “Wait until you see what I’ve got planned for next season. The real apocalypse, the beautiful apocalypse, is going to be tremendous. You’ll love it.”
Federal authorities have neither confirmed nor denied the existence of Trump’s alleged apocalypse-monitoring bunker, citing national security concerns.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
