CHICK-FIL-A COW GOES ROGUE
Escapes farm, now seen painting 'Eat Mor Chikin' on government buildings
ATLANTA, GA – A rogue bovine with ties to the fast-food giant Chick-fil-A has escaped from a corporate-sponsored farm and is now terrorizing government facilities across the Southeast, spray-painting the restaurant chain’s iconic “Eat Mor Chikin” slogan on federal buildings, courthouses, and city halls.
The black-and-white Holstein, known only as “Bessie” according to farm records, broke free from Sunshine Meadows Farm in rural Georgia last Tuesday night during a thunderstorm. What started as a simple livestock escape has evolved into what federal authorities are calling “an unprecedented act of bovine corporate espionage.”
The cow’s rampage began at the Fulton County Courthouse, where security cameras captured the four-legged fugitive wielding a paint roller in her mouth, methodically spelling out the familiar misspelled message across the building’s marble facade. Since then, similar incidents have been reported in Birmingham, Alabama; Tallahassee, Florida; and as far north as Charlotte, North Carolina.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Martha Henderson, a night janitor at the Alabama State Capitol who witnessed the cow in action. “There she was, big as life, dipping that roller in a bucket of red paint and going to town on the governor’s office windows. She had this look in her eyes – like she was on a mission from above.”
Federal investigators are baffled by the cow’s apparent intelligence and coordination. Security footage shows Bessie arriving at each location in the pre-dawn hours, somehow acquiring painting supplies, and executing her graffiti with remarkable precision. Most disturbing to authorities is the cow’s apparent ability to spell – albeit with the same deliberate errors used in Chick-fil-A’s advertising campaigns.
Dr. Melvin Krankovich, a livestock behavioral specialist at the University of Georgia, believes the cow may be the product of secret corporate conditioning. “What we’re seeing here defies every principle of bovine psychology,” Krankovich explained during an emergency press conference. “Cows don’t naturally seek revenge against the poultry industry. Someone – or some organization – has clearly programmed this animal with an anti-chicken agenda.”
The mystery deepened when investigators discovered that Sunshine Meadows Farm has been receiving substantial payments from a shell company traced back to Chick-fil-A’s corporate headquarters. Farm owner Buck Thornberry has refused to comment, but neighbors report seeing unmarked trucks delivering “special feed” to the property for months before Bessie’s escape.
Government officials are taking the bovine vandal seriously. The Department of Homeland Security has issued a BOLO alert for the “corporate cow,” and the FBI’s Domestic Terrorism Unit has opened a formal investigation into what they’re calling “Operation Moo-narch.”
The cow’s activities have also sparked a social media frenzy, with #RogueCow trending nationwide. Conspiracy theorists suggest Bessie is part of a larger corporate plot to influence government policy through subliminal messaging, while animal rights activists claim she’s a freedom fighter rebelling against the industrial food complex.
Meanwhile, Chick-fil-A executives have distanced themselves from the rogue bovine, issuing a statement claiming “no knowledge of or connection to this cow’s unauthorized activities.” However, company stock has mysteriously risen 12% since the vandalism spree began, and several locations have reported record chicken sandwich sales.
The cow remains at large, with the most recent sighting reported at the Tennessee State Capitol building in Nashville. Authorities warn citizens not to approach the animal, as she may be armed with painting equipment and appears to have an extensive supply of red paint.
Local police departments have advised residents to secure any art supplies and report suspicious mooing sounds near government buildings.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
