NEW CRYPTOCURRENCY IS POWERED BY HUMAN SADNESS
Economists advise watching a sad movie to get rich
SILICON VALLEY, CA – A revolutionary new digital currency that literally feeds off human misery has sent shockwaves through the financial world, with early adopters reportedly making millions simply by watching tearjerker movies and reading depressing news stories.
The cryptocurrency, called “SorrowCoin,” was allegedly developed by a secretive consortium of tech billionaires working in collaboration with government psychologists who have been studying the monetization of human emotions for decades. Sources close to the project reveal that the currency’s blockchain technology contains sophisticated algorithms that can detect and harvest sadness through users’ devices, converting melancholy into digital wealth.
Dr. Miranda Blackwell, a rogue economist who was recently expelled from Harvard for her controversial theories about emotional capitalism, has been tracking SorrowCoin’s meteoric rise. “What we’re witnessing is the weaponization of depression,” she warned in an exclusive interview. “These tech moguls have discovered that human sadness generates a unique bioelectric signature that can be captured through smartphone sensors, webcam feeds, and even smart home devices. They’re literally mining our tears.”
The currency’s value has skyrocketed by 847% in just three weeks, with one SorrowCoin now worth approximately $2,340. Financial analysts are baffled by its stability, noting that unlike traditional cryptocurrencies, SorrowCoin’s value increases during global crises, natural disasters, and economic downturns.
Jennifer Walsh, a 34-year-old accountant from Denver, claims to have accidentally become a millionaire after a particularly devastating breakup. “I spent an entire weekend crying while watching ‘The Notebook’ and ‘Marley & Me’ back-to-back,” she revealed. “When I checked my SorrowCoin wallet on Monday morning, I had somehow accumulated 847 coins. I thought it was a glitch, but when I tried to cash out, the money was real.”
Industry insiders suggest that the cryptocurrency’s creators have been secretly beta-testing the technology for years through popular social media platforms and streaming services. Suspicious patterns in user data allegedly show that people who frequently engage with sad content online have been unknowingly generating value for early SorrowCoin investors.
The Federal Reserve has launched an emergency investigation into the currency’s legitimacy, but their efforts have been hampered by the fact that SorrowCoin operates on servers hidden in international waters aboard a network of offshore platforms. Meanwhile, financial advisors are quietly recommending that their wealthiest clients invest in “emotional portfolios” that include subscriptions to multiple streaming services, collections of tragic literature, and even therapy sessions.
Underground SorrowCoin mining operations have reportedly sprung up in abandoned buildings across major metropolitan areas, where professional “grief farmers” are paid to experience intense sadness while connected to sophisticated monitoring equipment. These facilities allegedly employ method actors, recently divorced individuals, and people grieving the loss of loved ones to generate maximum emotional output.
Government whistleblowers claim that SorrowCoin’s blockchain contains backdoor access for intelligence agencies, allowing them to track the emotional states of entire populations in real-time. This capability could theoretically be used to predict social unrest, identify vulnerable individuals for recruitment, or even trigger mass psychological manipulation campaigns.
As traditional economists scramble to understand this new form of currency, early adopters are already moving beyond passive sadness generation. Exclusive reports suggest that wealthy SorrowCoin holders are funding tragic events, sponsoring depressing news coverage, and even investing in pharmaceutical companies that manufacture antidepressants – creating a sinister feedback loop where human misery generates profit, which is then reinvested to create more misery.
The cryptocurrency’s anonymous creators have remained silent despite growing international pressure for transparency, communicating only through cryptic messages embedded in the blockchain itself.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
