Man Finds Fountain of Youth, Sells Water on Etsy
Bottles of "Artisanal Immortality Spring Water" going for $49.95.
SPRING VALLEY, FLORIDA – A local handyman has stumbled upon what he claims is the legendary Fountain of Youth, and he’s cashing in by selling bottles of the miraculous water through his Etsy shop for nearly fifty dollars a pop.
Gerald “Gerry” Hutchkins, 47, made the extraordinary discovery while installing a new septic system behind his modest ranch home last month. What started as routine excavation work quickly turned into what paranormal researchers are calling “the archaeological find of the millennium.”
“I hit this underground spring about six feet down, and the water was crystal clear with this weird blue glow,” Hutchkins explained during an exclusive interview at his property. “At first I thought maybe it was some kind of chemical runoff from the old phosphate mines, but then something incredible happened.”
According to Hutchkins, after accidentally splashing the mysterious water on his face, decades of sun damage and wrinkles began visibly fading within hours. His graying hair reportedly started returning to its original brown color, and chronic back pain that had plagued him for fifteen years completely vanished.
“My neighbor Carol didn’t recognize me when I walked over to borrow her hedge trimmer the next day,” Hutchkins said, grinning with what appear to be perfectly white, straight teeth. “She thought I was my own son visiting from out of state.”
Word of the miraculous spring spread quickly through the tight-knit community, attracting the attention of Dr. Millicent Vex, a biochemist specializing in anomalous phenomena who has studied unexplained water sources across North America.
“The mineral composition of this water is unlike anything I’ve encountered in thirty years of research,” Dr. Vex revealed after conducting preliminary tests on samples from Hutchkins’ spring. “There are trace elements present that shouldn’t exist in nature, along with what appears to be a previously unknown form of structured water that maintains its molecular integrity indefinitely.”
Government interest in the discovery has been swift and suspicious. Black SUVs with tinted windows have been spotted parked near Hutchkins’ property, and neighbors report seeing unmarked helicopters circling the area at odd hours. Local officials claim they’re conducting “routine environmental assessments,” but sources inside the county planning department suggest federal agencies have been pressuring them to condemn the property.
“They want to shut me down before word gets out,” Hutchkins insisted, his eyes darting nervously toward the tree line. “But I’m not going to let them suppress this discovery like they did with Tesla’s free energy machines and that cancer cure from the 1950s.”
Rather than surrender his find to shadowy government forces, the resourceful entrepreneur launched “Gerry’s Artisanal Immortality Spring Water” on Etsy three weeks ago. Each hand-labeled bottle contains eight ounces of the allegedly age-reversing liquid and sells for $49.95 plus shipping.
The online reviews are nothing short of extraordinary. Customer “LifelongSeeker2019” wrote: “Received my order Tuesday, drank half the bottle Wednesday morning, and by Thursday my arthritis was completely gone. My husband says I look twenty years younger!” Another reviewer, “TruthSeekerMom,” claimed the water eliminated her crow’s feet and restored her natural hair color within 48 hours.
Sales have been so brisk that Hutchkins has already sold over 800 bottles, generating nearly $40,000 in revenue. He’s hired armed security guards and installed motion-sensor cameras around his property after receiving what he describes as “threatening visits from men in black suits.”
The FDA has issued no official statement regarding the spring water, though unnamed sources within the agency allegedly admit they’re “monitoring the situation closely.” Meanwhile, representatives from several major pharmaceutical companies have reportedly contacted Hutchkins with acquisition offers in the millions.
Despite the mounting pressure and mysterious surveillance, Hutchkins remains determined to share his discovery with the world, one Etsy order at a time.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
