Psychics Go On Strike, Demand Better Pay for Predicting the Future

"We knew this was coming," says union spokesperson.

SALEM, MASSACHUSETTS – The supernatural world was thrown into chaos yesterday as hundreds of certified psychics across the nation laid down their crystal balls and walked off the job, demanding significant pay increases and better working conditions for their otherworldly services.

The unprecedented strike, organized by the International Brotherhood of Mystics and Fortune Tellers Local 777, has left desperate clients stranded without access to crucial predictions about love, career moves, and winning lottery numbers. Picket lines formed outside popular psychic hotlines, tarot card parlors, and spiritual consultation centers from coast to coast.

“We knew this was coming,” declared union spokesperson Madame Zelda Moonwhisper, her third eye clearly agitated as she addressed reporters outside the Crystal Vision Psychic Network headquarters. “In fact, we saw it in our collective consciousness back in 1987. The cosmic forces have been building toward this moment for decades.”

The strike comes after months of failed negotiations between the psychic community and their various employers, including telephone hotline companies, carnival operators, and internet fortune-telling platforms. The mystics are demanding a 40% pay increase, citing inflation’s impact on essential supplies like sage, amethyst crystals, and premium tarot decks.

“These spiritual workers have been grossly underpaid for years,” explained Dr. Cornelius Blackthorne, a paranormal labor economist at the University of Ethereal Studies. “When you consider that a single accurate prediction about the stock market could save someone millions, paying a psychic $3.99 per minute is frankly insulting to the cosmic order.”

The strike has already begun affecting the broader economy. Wall Street traders, who secretly rely on psychic guidance for major investment decisions, saw the Dow Jones drop 200 points within hours of the work stoppage. Several Hollywood studios have postponed major film releases after their consulting astrologers refused to cross picket lines to determine optimal premiere dates.

Perhaps most troubling, government sources confirm that several three-letter agencies have been scrambling to find alternative methods for national security predictions after their classified psychic divisions joined the strike. “The ramifications could be catastrophic,” whispered one anonymous Defense Department official. “How are we supposed to prevent future threats without remote viewing capabilities?”

The psychics’ demands go beyond mere monetary compensation. Union negotiators are also pushing for professional recognition, including mandatory licensing requirements and workplace protections against “spiritual harassment” from skeptical employers and clients. They want official breaks for lunar ceremonies and the right to refuse readings during Mercury retrograde periods.

“I’ve been predicting divorces, job changes, and natural disasters for thirty years,” complained striking fortune teller Cosmic Cassandra outside a shuttered palm reading booth in Times Square. “Yet I still don’t have health insurance or a pension plan. It’s time the living world recognizes the economic value of communicating with the beyond.”

The strike has created an underground black market for psychic services, with desperate clients offering premium rates for off-the-books readings. Police report a surge in illegal crystal ball operations and unlicensed tarot card dealing in major metropolitan areas.

Industry leaders warn that the longer this supernatural standoff continues, the more chaotic the world will become. Weather patterns may become unpredictable without proper astrological monitoring, and lost pets could remain missing indefinitely without psychic pet detectives on the job.

Negotiations are scheduled to resume next Tuesday under a full moon, which union representatives insist provides optimal conditions for reaching a mystical agreement. Until then, millions of Americans will have to make life decisions without professional supernatural guidance, a prospect that has many questioning whether society can function without its psychic safety net.

The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.