Angel Loses His Halo, Asks Public for Help
Last seen at a dive bar in Des Moines. Responds to the name "Kevin."
DES MOINES, IOWA – A desperate search is underway across the Midwest after a real-life angel reportedly lost his halo during what witnesses describe as an “epic bender” at Murphy’s Tap House, a notorious dive bar on the south side of Des Moines. The celestial being, who goes by the surprisingly mundane name “Kevin,” has been spotted wandering the streets of Iowa’s capital city, frantically asking strangers if they’ve seen his missing divine headwear.
The bizarre incident began last Tuesday evening when patrons at Murphy’s noticed an unusually tall, luminous figure stumbling through the bar’s smoke-filled interior. Bartender Dolores Hutchins, 47, was the first to realize something otherworldly was happening.
“At first I thought he was just another drunk college kid with one of those LED costume accessories,” Hutchins told this reporter while nervously chain-smoking behind the bar. “But then I noticed his wings kept knocking over the peanut bowls, and there was this weird humming sound coming from his direction – like a heavenly choir, but drunk. When he ordered his seventh whiskey neat and started crying about disappointing his ‘supervisor upstairs,’ I knew we had a situation.”
According to multiple eyewitnesses, Kevin appeared increasingly agitated as the night progressed, repeatedly touching the top of his head and muttering about “celestial performance reviews” and “losing his divine certification.” Security footage from the bar, which this publication has exclusively obtained, shows a glowing ring-shaped object falling from above Kevin’s head at approximately 11:47 PM, rolling across the sticky floor, and disappearing into the crowd of intoxicated patrons.
The implications of this incident have sent shockwaves through the underground community of paranormal researchers and religious scholars. Dr. Miriam Goldstein, a professor of Theological Anomalies at the Institute for Supernatural Studies in Berkeley, believes this may be the first documented case of an angel experiencing what she terms “divine equipment failure.”
“What we’re dealing with here is unprecedented,” Dr. Goldstein explained during a hastily arranged phone interview. “In all my years studying celestial phenomena, I’ve never encountered a case where an angel’s halo has been physically separated from its wearer. The theological implications are staggering. Is this evidence of budget cuts in Heaven? A sign of the apocalypse? Or simply the result of poor quality control in divine manufacturing?”
Since the incident, Kevin has been spotted throughout Des Moines, approaching confused citizens with increasingly desperate pleas for assistance. Local police report receiving over 200 calls about a “tall glowing man” accosting pedestrians near the State Capitol, outside Hy-Vee grocery stores, and even at the Iowa State Fair grounds. Witnesses describe him as approximately seven feet tall, with an otherworldly glow emanating from his skin and massive white wings that he attempts to hide beneath an oversized Hawkeyes hoodie purchased from a gas station.
“He stopped me outside Starbucks and asked if I’d seen his ‘shiny circle thing,'” reported Des Moines resident Janet Morrison, 34. “When I said no, he started weeping these golden tears and handed me a crumpled piece of paper with his phone number, begging me to call if I found it. The paper smelled like frankincense and had scorch marks around the edges.”
The missing halo is described as a golden ring approximately 12 inches in diameter, emitting a soft holy light and reportedly warm to the touch. Local pawn shops and antique dealers have been put on high alert, as experts warn that the divine artifact could be extremely dangerous in the wrong hands.
City officials are urging residents to remain calm but vigilant. Mayor Frank Cownie issued a statement yesterday calling for “compassion and understanding during this unusual time,” while quietly establishing a task force to handle what insiders are calling “the Kevin situation.”
Religious leaders across Iowa have offered conflicting interpretations of the event, with some viewing it as a sign of divine intervention in local politics, while others suggest it may be connected to the state’s recent drought conditions.
Anyone with information about the missing halo is urged to contact the Des Moines Police Department’s newly established “Supernatural Incidents Hotline” at 515-HALO-911.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
