Global Internet Slows as Planet Nears Final Calculation
Tech experts suspect system overload from 7 billion unplanned subroutines.
SILICON VALLEY, CA – The global internet infrastructure is grinding to a halt as the planet Earth approaches what computer scientists are calling “The Final Calculation” – a mysterious computational event that has been secretly draining processing power from every connected device on the planet for months.
According to leaked documents from the Pentagon’s Advanced Research Projects Agency, worldwide internet speeds have decreased by 73% since January, with the slowdown accelerating exponentially each week. The cause, sources reveal, is not cyberterrorism or solar flares, but something far more sinister: Earth itself has become a massive computer running an unknown program that’s nearing completion.
“We’ve detected approximately 7 billion unauthorized subroutines operating simultaneously across every internet-connected device,” revealed Dr. Miranda Blackwood, a former NSA cryptographer who spoke on condition of anonymity. “These aren’t viruses or malware – they’re fragments of a single, incomprehensibly complex calculation that’s using our entire digital infrastructure as its processing matrix.”
The conspiracy reaches back decades, according to insider reports. The internet, originally designed as ARPANET by the Department of Defense, may have been deliberately architected to serve as humanity’s unwitting contribution to an alien computational project. Every smartphone, laptop, smart TV, and IoT device has been secretly recruited as a node in this planetary supercomputer.
Telecommunications engineer Jessica Chen first noticed the anomaly while monitoring server farms in Oregon. “At 3:17 AM Pacific Time on March 15th, every single server in our facility began executing identical background processes,” Chen reported. “The code was unlike anything in our systems – it was performing calculations related to quantum mechanics, consciousness modeling, and what appeared to be dimensional physics equations.”
The implications are staggering. Government whistleblowers suggest that the “Final Calculation” is actually a countdown to a massive reality-altering event. Some theorists believe Earth is running a simulation to predict the outcome of first contact with an extraterrestrial intelligence. Others suspect the planet is computing the exact moment when humanity will achieve technological singularity.
Most disturbing are reports that the calculation’s completion appears imminent. NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory has detected unusual electromagnetic signatures emanating from the Earth’s core, synchronized with global internet traffic patterns. These signals have been growing stronger as internet speeds continue to plummet.
“The math is terrifying,” explained Dr. Blackwood. “If this calculation completes, every connected device on Earth will simultaneously receive the final output. We have no idea what that data package contains, but the sheer processing power required suggests it’s information that could fundamentally alter human consciousness or physical reality itself.”
Major tech corporations have remained suspiciously silent about the crisis, despite their servers bearing the brunt of the computational load. Anonymous sources at Google, Amazon, and Microsoft report that their executives have been attending secret meetings at CERN, the European particle physics laboratory, suggesting a connection between the Final Calculation and experiments with the Large Hadron Collider.
Meanwhile, internet users worldwide report increasingly bizarre phenomena. Social media algorithms have begun generating posts in languages that don’t exist. Search engines occasionally return results from websites that won’t be created for decades. Video streaming services have started buffering content that viewers describe as “memories from lives they haven’t lived yet.”
Religious groups have declared the slowdown a sign of impending apocalypse, while some Silicon Valley insiders believe it heralds humanity’s graduation to a higher form of existence. Government agencies have activated emergency protocols, with rumors circulating about plans to shut down the global internet entirely if the Final Calculation cannot be stopped.
As connection speeds continue their death spiral toward zero, one question haunts researchers: What happens when the last byte is processed and Earth’s greatest secret is finally revealed?
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
