Global Warming Caused by Hell Expanding
Satan confirms "record sinner intake" is raising temperatures on Earth's surface.
BRIMSTONE, NEVADA – Shocking new evidence has emerged linking the planet’s rising temperatures to an unprecedented expansion of Hell’s underground facilities, according to a classified report leaked by an anonymous Vatican insider. The document, allegedly prepared by the Church’s Department of Supernatural Affairs, reveals that Satan himself has confirmed a “record sinner intake” that is forcing infernal authorities to dramatically increase their subterranean operations.
Dr. Mordecai Hellsworth, a former MIT geothermal engineer who now studies paranormal temperature phenomena, obtained the explosive 847-page dossier through back channels within Vatican City. “What we’re seeing isn’t carbon emissions or solar flares,” Hellsworth told this reporter during a clandestine meeting at a Nevada truck stop. “Hell is literally expanding its infrastructure to accommodate the massive influx of damned souls, and all that additional hellfire is heating up the Earth’s core from below.”
The report details how Hell’s Department of Eternal Punishment has been forced into the largest construction project in supernatural history. According to the leaked documents, the underworld has expanded its operations by 340% since 1950, adding seven new circles of torment and upgrading their fire-and-brimstone delivery systems with industrial-grade furnaces that run continuously.
Brother Augustine Thermidor, the Vatican’s former liaison to infernal affairs before his mysterious disappearance last month, left behind detailed notes describing direct communications with Hell’s administration. “The Prince of Darkness was surprisingly forthcoming about their operational challenges,” reads one of Thermidor’s final journal entries. “He complained bitterly about zoning issues and the environmental impact of their expansion. Apparently, even Satan is concerned about his carbon hoofprint.”
The leaked Vatican study meticulously correlates major temperature spikes with historical events that would have generated massive soul deliveries to the underworld. The Black Death, both World Wars, and the invention of social media each correspond with notable increases in global temperatures, according to the classified research.
Perhaps most disturbing are the detailed architectural blueprints allegedly stolen from Hell’s Planning Department, showing a vast network of new torture chambers, molten lakes, and administrative offices sprawling beneath the Earth’s mantle. These underground facilities reportedly extend from traditional Hell boundaries all the way to major population centers, with primary heating ducts running directly beneath Los Angeles, New York, and Miami.
“The really terrifying part is the expansion schedule,” revealed Hellsworth, nervously checking over his shoulder. “According to these documents, they’re planning to triple capacity again by 2030. That means surface temperatures could reach levels that make current climate projections look like a mild spring day.”
The report also exposes Hell’s recruitment of human contractors for the expansion project. Several missing persons cases involving construction workers, HVAC specialists, and urban planners now appear linked to infernal headhunting operations. Families of the disappeared have reported strange sulfur smells and the sound of distant hammering coming from basement walls.
Intelligence sources within the Vatican suggest that Pope Francis has been secretly briefed on the situation but remains powerless to intervene due to ancient supernatural treaties governing Earth-Hell relations. Anonymous Church officials confirm that emergency prayers have been increased by 200% and that holy water production has been moved to round-the-clock shifts.
The implications extend far beyond climate science. If Hell’s expansion continues at current rates, experts predict that by 2035, the additional geothermal activity could trigger massive volcanic eruptions, boil the oceans, and turn the entire planet into a preliminary purgatory.
Government agencies have not responded to requests for comment, though sources confirm that both NASA and the Pentagon have quietly launched classified programs to monitor “unusual subsurface thermal anomalies” using deep-earth scanning technology originally developed for detecting nuclear submarines.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
