Scientists Find That Plants Enjoy Heavy Metal Music
Gardenias thrive on Metallica but wilt when exposed to smooth jazz.
BERKELEY, CA – A groundbreaking study conducted in secret laboratories at the University of California has revealed what heavy metal fans have suspected all along: plants possess sophisticated musical preferences, and they absolutely CRAVE the bone-crushing sounds of heavy metal music. But here’s the shocking twist that has the botanical establishment in complete uproar – these same plants literally shrivel up and die when exposed to the smooth, mellow tones of jazz music.
Dr. Helena Thornwick, a rogue botanist who risked her career to expose this earth-shattering discovery, has been conducting clandestine experiments for the past three years in a soundproofed greenhouse hidden beneath the university’s main campus. Her findings threaten to overturn everything we thought we knew about plant biology and could revolutionize agriculture as we know it.
“The evidence is undeniable,” Dr. Thornwick whispered during a secret midnight meeting in Golden Gate Park. “When I played Metallica’s ‘Master of Puppets’ to a bed of gardenias, they grew 340% faster than the control group. Their blooms were larger, more vibrant, and the plants actually seemed to headbang along to the double bass drums. But the moment I switched to Kenny G, they began wilting within minutes. It was horrifying to witness.”
The implications of this discovery have sent shockwaves through the scientific community, with many establishment researchers desperately trying to suppress Dr. Thornwick’s findings. Sources within the university suggest that Big Agriculture and the Smooth Jazz lobby have formed an unholy alliance to bury this research, fearing the economic devastation that could result from a complete overhaul of farming practices.
Independent horticulturist Jake “Mad Dog” Morrison, who grows prize-winning tomatoes in his backyard using nothing but Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden, corroborates these findings. “I’ve been telling people for years that my plants love the heavy stuff,” Morrison shouted over the thunderous sounds of Judas Priest emanating from speakers positioned throughout his garden. “My neighbors thought I was crazy, but look at these beauties! These tomatoes are bigger than softballs, and my peppers could burn a hole through concrete!”
Dr. Thornwick’s research suggests that plants possess previously unknown neurological structures that respond to specific sound frequencies found in heavy metal music. The rapid-fire guitar riffs and pounding drums apparently stimulate cellular growth at the molecular level, while the slower, more melodic tones of jazz music trigger a stress response that causes immediate cellular breakdown.
“We’re dealing with a conspiracy of silence,” Dr. Thornwick revealed, constantly glancing over her shoulder. “The agricultural industry has invested billions in classical music systems for crops. Mozart, Beethoven, Bach – it’s all been a massive lie. Plants don’t want refinement and culture. They want raw, unbridled sonic fury!”
The cover-up extends to the highest levels of government, according to insider sources. Classified documents allegedly show that military agricultural programs have been experimenting with death metal to create super-crops capable of feeding entire armies. Meanwhile, enemy nations may be using smooth jazz as a form of agricultural warfare, destroying crop yields by broadcasting Kenny G and Dave Brubeck across borders.
Seed companies are reportedly in panic mode, with emergency board meetings being held behind closed doors. Some whistle-blowers claim that major corporations are already secretly developing “metal-enhanced” seeds designed to thrive exclusively on heavy metal frequencies.
Dr. Thornwick’s greenhouse has mysteriously burned down twice in the past month, but she continues her research from undisclosed locations. “They can destroy my lab, but they can’t destroy the truth,” she declared. “Plants have been crying out for decades, and finally, someone is listening to their screams – literally.”
The botanical establishment’s desperate attempts to maintain the status quo may be doomed, as more underground researchers emerge with similar findings, threatening to expose the greatest agricultural conspiracy in human history.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
