The “Deep State” is Run by Sentient Feral Cats
Secret cabal controls world governments from a shadowy network of alleys.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A shocking investigation has uncovered the most startling conspiracy in modern history: the infamous “Deep State” that has supposedly controlled world governments for decades is not comprised of shadowy human operatives, but rather an elaborate network of highly intelligent feral cats operating from abandoned alleyways across the globe.
Documents leaked by an anonymous whistleblower, codenamed “Canary,” reveal that these extraordinary felines have developed sophisticated communication systems using a combination of ultrasonic meowing, strategic scratching patterns on dumpsters, and an intricate network of trained pigeons to relay messages between continents. The cats allegedly coordinate policy decisions, election outcomes, and major economic shifts from their headquarters in what sources describe as “the most well-organized colony of strays ever documented.”
“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” said former State Department janitor Marcus Hendricks, who claims to have witnessed late-night meetings between government officials and groups of cats in the alley behind the Eisenhower Executive Office Building. “These weren’t ordinary cats. They sat in perfect formations, and I swear I saw one of them batting at a smartphone like it was operating it. The officials were taking notes while the cats made these specific chirping sounds. It was like watching a board meeting, but with tuna cans instead of coffee.”
The revelation explains numerous unexplained phenomena that have puzzled political observers for years. The mysterious appearance of cats near major government buildings during crucial votes, the inexplicable inclusion of “catnip research” in obscure budget line items, and the curious fact that many world leaders have been photographed with cats despite claiming to be “dog people” all suddenly make sense within this framework.
Dr. Felicia Whiskers, a comparative animal cognition specialist at the Institute for Unusual Behavioral Studies, believes the evidence is compelling. “We’ve long known that cats possess intelligence levels far exceeding what most humans assume. Their ability to manipulate humans into providing food, shelter, and affection while maintaining complete independence suggests remarkable strategic thinking. It’s not entirely implausible that a particularly advanced group could have developed methods to influence human decision-making on a larger scale.”
The cat conspiracy allegedly began in ancient Egypt, where felines were revered as gods—a status they apparently never forgot. Over millennia, the cats refined their techniques, eventually establishing cells in every major city worldwide. Their network expanded exponentially during the Industrial Revolution when urbanization created the perfect cover: vast networks of alleys and abandoned buildings where they could operate undetected.
The leaked documents detail a complex hierarchy within the feline Deep State. “Alpha Tabbies” serve as regional coordinators, while specialized operatives include “Intelligence Toms” who gather information by infiltrating homes of key officials, and “Diplomatic Persians” who handle international negotiations through elaborate midnight yowling sessions that span continents.
Perhaps most disturbing is the suggestion that many major historical events were orchestrated by these cunning creatures. The documents hint that the cats influenced everything from the fall of the Berlin Wall (apparently they were tired of being separated from their East German counterparts) to the creation of the internet (designed to facilitate the global sharing of cat videos as a form of mass hypnosis).
The whistleblower’s files also reveal that several prominent political figures may be unknowing cat agents, identified by their tendency to make sudden policy U-turns after brief “power naps” and their inexplicable urge to knock important documents off desks during crucial meetings.
Government officials have predictably dismissed these revelations as “utterly ridiculous” and “the most preposterous conspiracy theory ever conceived,” but conspiracy researchers note that this is exactly what one would expect from officials under feline mind control.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
