CERN Opens Portal to Another Dimension — Closes It After Hearing Dubstep
“Too loud. Too shiny. Too 2012,” says lead researcher.
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – In what may be the most expensive case of interdimensional noise complaints in human history, scientists at CERN’s Large Hadron Collider hastily shut down a portal to another dimension last Tuesday after being assaulted by what researchers described as “absolutely unbearable” dubstep music.
The incident occurred at 3:47 AM local time during what was supposed to be a routine particle acceleration experiment. Dr. Heinrich Wallenstein, CERN’s lead dimensional physicist, told reporters that the team was “completely unprepared” for what emerged from the 12-foot wide swirling vortex that spontaneously appeared in the facility’s main chamber.
“At first, we were euphoric,” Wallenstein explained, still wearing protective headphones around his neck. “We had achieved what humanity has dreamed of for centuries – contact with another dimension. But then… the music started.”
According to classified documents obtained by this reporter, the otherworldly sounds began as a faint electronic buzzing before escalating into what one technician described as “bass drops that could liquify concrete.” The portal, which witnesses say glowed with an otherworldly purple light, began pulsing in rhythm with the aggressive electronic beats.
“It was like someone took every annoying sound from 2012 and amplified it through a cosmic megaphone,” said Dr. Sarah Chen, a visiting quantum researcher who was present during the incident. “There were these metallic screeches, followed by robotic voices yelling ‘drop the bass’ in what I can only assume was an alien language. My colleagues started bleeding from their ears.”
The situation took an even more bizarre turn when holographic images began projecting through the portal, displaying what appeared to be interdimensional beings with glowing LED accessories performing what observers described as “aggressive geometric dancing.” Several CERN employees reported seeing creatures with multiple limbs moving in jerky, robotic motions while wearing what looked like futuristic glow sticks.
CERN’s emergency protocols kicked in when seismic monitors registered bass vibrations reaching 180 decibels – enough to cause structural damage to the facility’s billion-dollar equipment. Dr. Wallenstein made the executive decision to reverse the portal’s polarity, but not before one of the dimensional beings apparently noticed the humans watching.
“It looked directly at us through the portal,” recalled night shift supervisor Marcus Rodriguez, who has since taken indefinite medical leave. “It had these enormous, glowing eyes, and I swear it was wearing some kind of neon headband. It pointed at us and shouted something that sounded like ‘WUBWUBWUB’ before doing this horrifying shoulder-pumping dance move.”
The portal was successfully closed after technicians managed to override the system while wearing military-grade hearing protection. However, sources within CERN report that strange electronic echoes can still be heard emanating from the facility’s walls during late-night hours, and several employees have complained of spontaneous urges to attend electronic music festivals.
“Too loud. Too shiny. Too 2012,” Wallenstein stated during yesterday’s emergency press conference, visibly shaken by the experience. “We’ve learned that not all scientific discoveries are worth pursuing. Some dimensions are clearly stuck in humanity’s most regrettable musical phase.”
The incident has sparked controversy within the international scientific community, with some researchers arguing that CERN acted too hastily in closing humanity’s first confirmed interdimensional gateway. Dr. Amanda Foster of MIT’s Theoretical Physics Department criticized the decision, stating, “Yes, dubstep is terrible, but we’re talking about contact with another dimension. Couldn’t they have just asked them to turn it down?”
CERN officials have announced a temporary moratorium on all dimensional portal experiments pending the development of “appropriate musical countermeasures.” The facility has reportedly ordered industrial-strength noise-canceling equipment and is consulting with musicologists about potentially less offensive genres to broadcast toward any future interdimensional contacts.
Meanwhile, underground electronic music forums have exploded with theories about the incident, with several DJs claiming they’ve been receiving mysterious inspiration for new tracks through their dreams. Local clubs in Geneva report a suspicious increase in requests for “interdimensional dubstep,” though authorities have yet to confirm any connection to the CERN incident.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
