Ghosts Are Now Haunting Zoom Calls
Spirits of boring coworkers from the 1990s trapped in the cloud.
SILICON VALLEY, CA – Corporate employees across the nation are reporting spine-chilling encounters during their routine video conferences, as deceased office workers from the Clinton era have begun materializing in Zoom meetings with disturbing frequency.
The phenomenon first came to light last month when Brenda Martinez, a marketing coordinator from Phoenix, noticed an unfamiliar face lingering in the background of her weekly team meeting. The translucent figure appeared to be wearing a beige blazer with shoulder pads that defied the laws of modern fashion.
“At first I thought it was just a weird filter glitch, but then I heard him clear his throat and say something about synergy and paradigm shifts,” Martinez recounted, still visibly shaken. “Nobody else seemed to notice, but I could see him plain as day, shuffling through what looked like overhead transparencies from beyond the grave.”
Digital paranormal expert Dr. Wilhelmina Cryptsworth believes these supernatural intrusions are the direct result of outdated corporate souls becoming trapped in cloud-based storage systems after years of mind-numbing conference calls and strategic planning sessions.
“What we’re witnessing is an unprecedented convergence of technological advancement and spiritual unrest,” Dr. Cryptsworth explained from her laboratory in Salem, Massachusetts. “These are the restless spirits of middle managers, administrative assistants, and project coordinators who spent their entire careers in beige cubicles discussing quarterly projections. When they died, their essence became digitally entangled with the very fabric of corporate communication infrastructure.”
The ghostly manifestations appear to follow predictable patterns. Witnesses report seeing apparitions wearing dated business attire, often clutching primitive laptops or brandishing floppy disks. The spirits frequently interrupt ongoing discussions with outdated corporate jargon, including references to “information superhighways” and “rightsizing initiatives.”
Tech industry insiders, speaking on condition of anonymity, reveal that major video conferencing platforms have been quietly dealing with similar complaints for months. Internal documents allegedly show a 347% increase in “anomalous participant reports” since remote work became mainstream during the pandemic.
“The cloud storage systems are essentially digital purgatory,” whispers a former software engineer who claimed to have worked on early video conferencing protocols. “All those boring meetings from the ’90s – they never really disappeared. They just got compressed and archived, along with the souls of everyone who attended them.”
The ghostly encounters aren’t limited to visual appearances. Multiple users report hearing phantom sounds during their calls: the distinctive screech of dial-up internet connections, the mechanical whir of dot-matrix printers, and the haunting melody of Windows 95 startup chimes echoing from unknown sources.
Corporate mediums are now charging premium rates for “digital cleansing” services, claiming they can exorcise troubled spirits from company Zoom accounts. However, skeptics question whether these interventions are effective or merely expensive placebo treatments for technologically-induced paranoia.
The situation has become so widespread that several Fortune 500 companies have allegedly begun hiring “spiritual IT consultants” to monitor their virtual meetings for supernatural activity. These specialists use a combination of electromagnetic field detectors and outdated computers running Windows ME to identify and communicate with corporate ghosts.
As remote work continues to dominate the modern workplace, experts warn that the problem may intensify. The spirits of deceased coworkers appear to be drawn to the familiar rhythms of PowerPoint presentations and quarterly reviews, finding comfort in the digital recreation of their former office environments.
Until technology companies acknowledge and address this otherworldly invasion, office workers across America may have to accept that their morning standup meetings now include participants who have been standing up for eternity.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
