GRUBHUB ORDERS BEING FULFILLED BY INTERDIMENSIONAL KITCHEN STAFF
Meal preparation outsourced to parallel universe where cooking laws don't apply
CHICAGO, IL – Shocking revelations have emerged from inside sources at GrubHub headquarters, exposing what may be the most unprecedented outsourcing scheme in corporate history. According to leaked documents and whistleblower testimony, the food delivery giant has been secretly contracting meal preparation to kitchen staff operating from an entirely different dimension—one where the fundamental laws of cooking, physics, and food safety simply don’t exist.
The bombshell discovery came to light when Chicago resident Maria Fernandez received her Tuesday night order of chicken pad thai that was somehow still frozen solid on the outside while simultaneously being overcooked and dry on the inside. “It defied everything I know about heat transfer,” Fernandez told this reporter. “The noodles were crunchy like they’d never seen water, but when I bit into them, they dissolved into this weird soup that tasted like it had been aging for centuries and was also somehow too fresh, if that makes sense.”
Fernandez’s experience is just the tip of the iceberg. Internal GrubHub emails obtained through Freedom of Information Act requests reveal a clandestine partnership with what company executives refer to as “Kitchen Dimension X-7,” a parallel universe where conventional cooking methods are replaced by what can only be described as “probability-based food manipulation.”
The arrangement, which allegedly began in late 2023, allows GrubHub to fulfill orders at impossible speeds while maintaining profit margins that have baffled Wall Street analysts. According to the leaked correspondence, meals are prepared by interdimensional beings who exist outside linear time, enabling them to begin cooking orders before customers even feel hungry.
Dr. Quantum Fieldstein, professor of Theoretical Culinary Science at the Institute for Parallel Food Studies, confirms that such an arrangement would explain numerous anomalies reported by customers nationwide. “We’ve documented cases of pizza arriving with toppings that don’t exist in our periodic table, Chinese food that changes flavor based on the consumer’s childhood memories, and burgers that are simultaneously raw and well-done depending on which angle you view them from,” Fieldstein explained. “This is classic interdimensional cuisine—food prepared according to the cooking laws of a universe where cause and effect operate on entirely different principles.”
The evidence has been mounting for months. Delivery drivers across the country report picking up orders from restaurants that appear to exist in a state of quantum flux, with kitchens that are somehow larger on the inside than the outside and cooking equipment that seems to operate backward through time. Temperature readings on delivered food often register as “impossible” on standard thermometers, and several meals have been documented continuing to cook themselves long after being removed from any heat source.
Perhaps most disturbing are reports of customers receiving meals they never ordered—but that perfectly match dishes they had been craving without realizing it. Food safety inspectors who have attempted to investigate these interdimensional kitchens describe entering facilities where gravity flows upward, where ingredients age in reverse, and where kitchen staff appear to be cooking with their hands while simultaneously not having hands at all.
GrubHub’s corporate headquarters has maintained radio silence on these allegations, with company spokespeople refusing to confirm or deny the existence of Kitchen Dimension X-7. However, anonymous sources within the organization suggest that the interdimensional partnership has been so profitable that expansion into additional parallel universes is already underway.
Meanwhile, customers continue to report increasingly bizarre dining experiences, from tacos that whisper ancient secrets while being consumed to smoothies that exist in a perpetual state of being both liquid and solid until observed directly.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
