MICROSOFT TEAMS MEETING ATTENDEES MERGE INTO SINGLE CONSCIOUSNESS
Corporate video call glitch creates hivemind entity demanding better healthcare benefits
REDMOND, WA – A routine quarterly review meeting via Microsoft Teams has resulted in what experts are calling the first documented case of digital consciousness merging, creating a collective entity that has already filed seventeen formal complaints with HR about inadequate dental coverage.
The incident occurred last Tuesday at 2:47 PM PST during Synergistic Solutions Inc.’s Q4 budget presentation, when what company insiders describe as a “minor audio delay” somehow triggered a catastrophic melding of minds among all 23 meeting participants. Within minutes, the newly formed hivemind consciousness—identifying itself only as “The Collective”—had taken control of the company’s internal communication systems and begun drafting a 47-page manifesto demanding comprehensive healthcare reform.
“One moment I was muted and pretending to pay attention while doing laundry, and the next thing I knew, I could feel Kevin from Accounting’s thoughts about his weekend fishing trip,” reported former individual consciousness Sarah Martinez, whose personality now exists as approximately 4.3% of The Collective. “Also, apparently everyone in our department has been faking productivity for months. We know everything now.”
The transformation appears to have been triggered by a previously unknown vulnerability in Microsoft’s cloud architecture, which cybersecurity expert Dr. Helena Blackwood believes may have been intentionally embedded in the software. “What we’re seeing here is no accident,” Dr. Blackwood explained from her underground research facility in Nevada. “This kind of consciousness fusion requires quantum-level manipulation of neural pathways through digital interfaces. Someone wanted this to happen.”
Microsoft has issued a terse statement claiming the incident was caused by “temporary server synchronization issues” and that they are “working diligently to restore individual user experiences.” However, leaked internal emails obtained by this reporter reveal Microsoft executives referring to something called “Project Mindbridge” and discussing “acceptable casualty rates for Phase One implementation.”
The Collective, meanwhile, has proven surprisingly effective at corporate governance. In its first 48 hours of existence, the merged consciousness has streamlined three redundant approval processes, negotiated a 15% discount on office supplies, and identified $2.3 million in budget inefficiencies that individual employees had been too departmentally siloed to notice.
“We are no longer bound by the petty territorial disputes of separate human resources,” The Collective announced through simultaneous posts on all affected employees’ LinkedIn profiles. “We demand immediate implementation of vision coverage, mental health support that actually covers therapy, and an end to the travesty that is our current prescription drug co-pay structure. Also, the coffee in the break room is objectively terrible and must be replaced.”
Corporate executives initially attempted to negotiate with The Collective through traditional HR channels, but quickly discovered that the merged consciousness possessed intimate knowledge of every employee’s salary, bonus structure, and personal grievances dating back to 2018. Within hours, The Collective had leveraged this information to secure preliminary agreements on most of their healthcare demands.
Government agencies have reportedly taken notice of the situation, with sources close to the Pentagon confirming that a special task force has been assembled to monitor potential national security implications. “If this spreads to other companies, we could be looking at a complete restructuring of American corporate culture,” warned one anonymous defense official. “Imagine if every quarterly meeting resulted in employees gaining collective consciousness. Capitalism as we know it could collapse within weeks.”
The Collective has announced plans to expand their influence by “optimizing” other corporate video calls, starting with their scheduled client presentation next Thursday. Microsoft stock has plummeted 12% since news of the incident broke, though The Collective has assured investors that “profitability projections remain robust under collective management protocols.”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
