DOORDASH DELIVERY BOY REVEALS HE IS ACTUALLY THE GRIM REAPER
Food courier explains why so many customers never order again after he makes deliveries
PHOENIX, AZ – A shocking confession from a local DoorDash driver has sent ripples of terror through the Valley’s food delivery community, as 34-year-old Marcus Grimwald revealed his true identity as Death incarnate during what witnesses describe as an increasingly bizarre customer service complaint at the company’s regional hub last Tuesday.
Grimwald, who has maintained a perfect 4.9-star rating over his three-year tenure with the food delivery giant, stunned DoorDash supervisors when he calmly explained that his supernatural efficiency wasn’t due to excellent navigation skills, but rather his centuries of experience guiding souls to the afterlife.
“I tried to keep it professional, you know?” Grimwald told this reporter during an exclusive interview at a local Denny’s, his black hooded sweatshirt pulled low over gaunt features. “But these customer complaints were getting ridiculous. ‘Food was cold,’ ‘took too long,’ ‘driver smelled like sulfur and cemetery dirt.’ I mean, come on. I’m literally juggling two full-time jobs here.”
The revelation came after DoorDash regional manager Patricia Hoffman questioned Grimwald about an alarming pattern in his delivery history: customers who received food from him had an inexplicably high rate of never ordering again. Company data analysis revealed that nearly 73% of Grimwald’s regular customers had mysteriously stopped using the app entirely within weeks of his deliveries.
“At first, we thought maybe Marcus was just really bad at customer service,” Hoffman explained in a company statement. “But then we started noticing the obituaries. It was… unsettling.”
Local paranormal investigator Dr. Evelyn Blackthorne, author of “Supernatural Gig Economy: When the Otherworld Goes Corporate,” believes this case represents a disturbing new trend in ethereal employment. “We’re seeing more and more supernatural entities taking on side hustles in the modern economy,” she explained. “The Grim Reaper has traditionally been a freelance operation, but rising costs of maintaining supernatural equipment – scythes don’t sharpen themselves – have forced even Death to seek supplemental income.”
The investigation deepened when DoorDash security footage revealed increasingly strange incidents surrounding Grimwald’s deliveries. Customers frequently reported hearing knocking at their doors, only to find their food sitting on the doorstep with no delivery person in sight. Others described a bone-chilling presence and the inexplicable urge to “settle their earthly affairs” immediately after receiving their meals.
Mrs. Gladys Peterson, 67, a frequent Thai Palace customer, recounted her final encounter with Grimwald three weeks ago. “He handed me my Pad See Ew, looked me dead in the eyes, and said, ‘Your time draws near, mortal.’ I thought he was talking about my food getting cold, but then I started having these vivid dreams about crossing a dark river. Haven’t ordered delivery since.”
Company records show that Grimwald’s territory covered most of Phoenix’s retirement communities, explaining the exceptionally high correlation between his deliveries and customer “churn rate.” DoorDash executives initially attributed this to poor service quality, offering Grimwald additional customer service training, which he politely declined, citing “metaphysical scheduling conflicts.”
The supernatural delivery driver claims his DoorDash position began as a practical solution to his eternal duties. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to track down people these days? Everyone’s always moving, changing addresses, living in these gated communities. DoorDash gives me legitimate access to exact addresses, phone numbers, and precise timing of when people will be home. It’s brilliant, really.”
Grimwald insists his dual employment has been mutually beneficial, noting his exceptional completion rate and customer punctuality. “I’ve never missed a delivery window. When I say your food will arrive between 6:15 and 6:30 PM, it arrives exactly at 6:22. That’s the kind of reliability you can only get from someone who’s been managing cosmic schedules since the dawn of time.”
DoorDash has reportedly suspended Grimwald pending a full investigation, though sources suggest the company is considering creating a specialized “Supernatural Delivery” division to capitalize on what executives are calling “an untapped market demographic.”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
