CRYPTOCURRENCY INVESTOR DISCOVERS BITCOIN IS ACTUALLY ALIEN CURRENCY
Digital coins revealed as down payment for Earth's purchase by Galactic Real Estate Corp
RENO, NEVADA – Local cryptocurrency enthusiast Derek Matthias thought he was just checking his Bitcoin wallet balance when he stumbled upon what may be the most shocking discovery in human history. Hidden deep within the blockchain code, Matthias uncovered irrefutable evidence that Bitcoin and other digital currencies are actually an elaborate alien payment system designed to facilitate Earth’s sale to extraterrestrial buyers.
The 34-year-old software developer was conducting routine blockchain analysis on his home computer last Tuesday when he noticed peculiar patterns in the cryptographic signatures that didn’t match any known Earth-based programming languages. After weeks of painstaking decryption work, Matthias cracked the code and discovered transaction records detailing Earth’s impending purchase by an entity called the Galactic Real Estate Corporation.
“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” Matthias told this reporter, his hands still trembling as he showed printouts of the alien transaction logs. “Every Bitcoin transaction, every altcoin trade, it’s all been feeding into this massive escrow account. We’ve been unknowingly funding our own planet’s sale for over a decade.”
According to the decoded alien communications, Bitcoin creator “Satoshi Nakamoto” was actually a front for a consortium of galactic real estate agents who needed a way to accumulate Earth’s natural resources as payment without alerting the human population. The mysterious figure’s disappearance in 2011 now makes perfect sense – the down payment phase was complete.
The documents reveal that Earth’s purchase price was set at 21 million Bitcoin – the exact maximum supply of the cryptocurrency. Current market calculations suggest the aliens have already collected approximately 19.8 million coins through mining operations and trading, putting them dangerously close to completing the transaction.
Dr. Wilhelmina Cosgrove, a xenocryptography expert at the Institute for Advanced Paranormal Studies, confirmed the authenticity of Matthias’s findings after conducting her own independent analysis. “The mathematical precision is undeniable,” Dr. Cosgrove stated during an emergency press conference. “These blockchain signatures contain geometric patterns that correspond to known alien communication protocols we’ve been tracking for years. This is the smoking gun we’ve been looking for.”
The alien purchase agreement includes shocking details about Earth’s post-sale management. According to the contract terms, humans will be relocated to designated “preservation zones” while the new owners strip-mine the planet’s core for rare elements needed in advanced alien technology. The moon has apparently already been sold to a subsidiary corporation specializing in satellite parking structures.
Most disturbing of all, the documents suggest that several world governments have been aware of the arrangement since Bitcoin’s inception. Secret appendices reference “Project Moonshot” – a classified program that allegedly helped promote cryptocurrency adoption to accelerate the payment timeline.
Matthias discovered that every major crypto exchange is actually operated by alien intermediaries, with popular platforms like Coinbase and Binance serving as collection points for the galactic down payment. Even meme coins like Dogecoin are part of the scheme, serving as “tip money” for alien real estate agents.
“The signs were always there,” Matthias continued, pointing to charts showing Bitcoin’s astronomical price increases. “No Earth-based currency could appreciate that rapidly without extraterrestrial manipulation. They’ve been pumping the value to maximize their collection efficiency.”
The revelation explains Bitcoin’s notorious energy consumption – the mining operations aren’t just processing transactions, they’re also transmitting data about Earth’s resource locations directly to alien survey teams positioned throughout the solar system.
Financial experts are now scrambling to understand the implications. If the aliens complete their Bitcoin collection, Earth’s deed could transfer as early as next year. Emergency cryptocurrency sell-offs have already begun as panicked investors desperately try to slow the payment process.
World leaders have remained suspiciously silent about Matthias’s discoveries, fueling speculation that the sale has their full approval in exchange for off-world relocation privileges.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
