Victoria’s Secret bets on garden gnomes in new campaign
Customer reaction: “Finally, lingerie that really fits in the front yard.”
COLUMBUS, OH – In a shocking pivot that has left the fashion industry reeling, Victoria’s Secret has quietly launched the most bizarre marketing campaign in lingerie history, targeting an unexpected demographic that has nothing to do with human anatomy: garden gnomes.
Sources within the company reveal that executives have been secretly developing what insiders are calling “Project Yard Guardian” for over eighteen months, investing millions of dollars in tiny lace brassieres, miniature silk negligees, and impossibly small thong underwear specifically designed for the estimated 4.7 million garden gnomes currently residing in American backyards.
The revelation came to light when warehouse worker Miranda Picklebottom stumbled upon thousands of gnome-sized intimates while conducting routine inventory at the company’s distribution center. “I thought I was hallucinating from the fabric softener fumes,” Picklebottom told reporters. “But there they were – hundreds of boxes filled with teeny-tiny push-up bras with little adjustable straps and everything. Some even had matching garter belts!”
Industry experts are baffled by the company’s sudden interest in the garden ornament market. Dr. Cornelius Yardsworth, professor of Decorative Lawn Studies at the Institute of Outdoor Aesthetics, believes this represents a fundamental shift in consumer targeting. “Never in my thirty years of gnome behavioral research have I witnessed such a brazen attempt to sexualize our concrete companions,” Yardsworth declared. “These mythical creatures have maintained their dignified, fully-clothed appearance for centuries. This could fundamentally alter the suburban landscape as we know it.”
According to leaked internal documents, Victoria’s Secret conducted extensive focus groups with homeowners who own garden gnomes, discovering that 73% of participants admitted to “wondering what their gnomes do when nobody’s watching.” The company’s research division, reportedly code-named “Operation Tiny Temptation,” spent months analyzing gnome measurements and developing specialized fitting techniques.
The campaign’s rollout strategy appears deliberately covert. Rather than traditional advertising, Victoria’s Secret has been secretly partnering with lawn and garden centers across the Midwest, embedding specially trained “Gnome Lingerie Consultants” who approach customers during routine garden supply purchases.
Margaret Hosenpfeffer of Toledo discovered the program firsthand last Tuesday while shopping for mulch. “This well-dressed young woman approached me near the fertilizer section and asked if I’d ever considered spicing up my garden gnome’s wardrobe,” Hosenpfeffer recounted. “Before I knew it, she was measuring my gnome Günther with a tiny tape measure and suggesting a red lace teddy that would ‘really bring out his rosy cheeks.'”
The financial implications of this venture remain unclear, though Wall Street analysts suggest Victoria’s Secret may be positioning itself to corner the emerging “intimate garden décor” market, worth an estimated $847 million annually according to fabricated industry reports.
Marketing materials obtained through suspicious means reveal slogans including “What Happens in the Garden Stays in the Garden” and “Finally, Lingerie That Won’t Judge Your Grass Stains.” The company has allegedly even developed weatherproof fabrics specifically designed to withstand sprinkler systems and curious squirrels.
Local authorities have begun receiving complaints from homeowners’ associations claiming that certain neighborhoods now feature “inappropriately dressed lawn ornaments” that violate community decency standards. The Shady Oaks Residential Committee has reportedly banned all gnome lingerie as a “public nuisance that could negatively impact property values.”
As news of this unprecedented campaign spreads, Victoria’s Secret stock has experienced unusual fluctuations, while garden centers nationwide report a mysterious 340% increase in gnome sales, suggesting consumers are either embracing this bizarre trend or stockpiling traditional, modestly-dressed gnomes before they become extinct.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.