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Disney buys the Middle Ages

Disney’s shocking purchase of the entire Middle Ages has resulted in knights across medieval Europe being forced to wear Mickey Mouse ears, transforming castles into theme parks and rewriting history itself. The unprecedented temporal takeover marks the beginning of Disney’s ambitious plan to control all of human history through corporate branding.

Disney buys the Middle Ages

All knights now wear Mickey ears

ORLANDO, FLORIDA – In a shocking turn of events that has historians, medieval scholars, and time travel experts scrambling for explanations, the Walt Disney Company has reportedly purchased the entire Middle Ages period from an unknown temporal authority, immediately implementing sweeping changes that have transformed knights across all of medieval Europe into Mickey Mouse-eared crusaders.

Sources close to the Disney Corporation, speaking on condition of anonymity, reveal that the mega-entertainment conglomerate completed the unprecedented transaction last Tuesday for an undisclosed sum rumored to be in the trillions of interdimensional dollars. The purchase agreement, allegedly signed in a secret ceremony at Disney’s underground temporal headquarters beneath Cinderella Castle, grants Disney complete creative control over the years 476 to 1453 CE.

“I was just minding my own business, tending to my turnips in the village square, when suddenly Sir Galahad rode by with these enormous black mouse ears attached to his helmet,” reported Peasant McGillicuddy, a 14th-century serf whose testimony was somehow transmitted to our newsroom through mysterious means. “At first I thought it was some sort of plague madness, but then I saw the entire Round Table had been replaced with a giant Mickey Mouse head-shaped conference table. King Arthur now goes by ‘King Mickey Arthur’ and everything!”

The temporal takeover appears to be part of Disney’s new “Medieval Magic Kingdom” initiative, designed to extend the company’s brand influence across all of human history. Company insiders suggest this is merely the first phase of Disney’s ambitious “Chronological Conquest” plan, which may eventually see the Renaissance rebranded as “Princess Periods” and the Industrial Revolution renamed “The Steam-Powered Steamboat Willie Era.”

Dr. Temporal McChronos, a leading expert in anachronistic corporate acquisitions at the Institute for Impossible Historical Studies, warns that the implications could be catastrophic. “What Disney has done here defies every law of physics, economics, and common sense,” Dr. McChronos declared during an emergency press conference held simultaneously in 2023 and 1347. “We’re already seeing ripple effects throughout history. The Magna Carta now includes a clause about annual Disneyland passes, and the Black Death has been mysteriously replaced by an outbreak of uncontrollable happiness and singing woodland creatures.”

Reports flooding in from across the medieval timeline paint a picture of widespread Disney-fication. Castle moats have been converted into log flume rides, dragons are now required to undergo sensitivity training before terrorizing villages, and all medieval feasts must conclude with a fireworks spectacular featuring “When You Wish Upon a Star.”

Perhaps most disturbing are the accounts of historical figures being forced into Disney character archetypes. Joan of Arc has reportedly been reassigned as a Disney Princess, complete with a musical number about following her dreams, while Charlemagne has been transformed into a jolly emperor who communicates primarily through catchy jingles about European unification.

The Vatican issued a statement expressing “deep concern” over reports that cathedral architecture is being modified to include hidden Mickey Mouse designs, and that Pope Gregory VII has been spotted wearing mouse ears during papal audiences. Church officials are particularly troubled by rumors that the Crusades have been rebranded as “magical quests to spread Disney magic throughout the Holy Land.”

Meanwhile, rival entertainment companies are reportedly scrambling to secure their own historical periods before Disney can expand its temporal empire. Warner Brothers is said to be in negotiations to purchase the Wild West, while Netflix is rumored to be eyeing the entire Bronze Age for exclusive streaming rights.

As this story continues to develop across multiple centuries simultaneously, one thing remains clear: Disney’s corporate reach now extends not just around the world, but throughout time itself, forever changing our understanding of both entertainment and medieval history.

The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.

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