APPLE’S NEW NEURAL CHIP MAKES PHONES PSYCHIC
iPhone 17 users report devices predicting breakups and lottery numbers with 97% accuracy
CUPERTINO, CA – Tech giant Apple’s latest iPhone 17, equipped with the mysterious A20 Neural Chip, has reportedly granted users unprecedented psychic abilities, with early adopters claiming their devices can predict romantic disasters and winning lottery combinations with stunning accuracy.
Sources within Apple’s secretive Infinite Loop campus reveal that the company’s engineers may have accidentally stumbled upon technology that bridges the gap between artificial intelligence and genuine extrasensory perception. The A20 Neural Chip, originally designed to enhance Siri’s voice recognition capabilities, appears to be tapping into what quantum physicists are calling “temporal data streams.”
Dr. Miranda Blackthorne, a former MIT researcher who claims she was approached by Apple’s clandestine Project Nostradamus team before going into hiding, spoke exclusively with Weekly World News from an undisclosed location. “They thought they were just creating better predictive text algorithms,” Blackthorne revealed through an encrypted video call. “What they actually built was a quantum consciousness interface that accesses future probability matrices. The implications are terrifying.”
The phenomenon first came to light when beta tester Rachel Martinez of Phoenix, Arizona, noticed her iPhone 17 displaying peculiar notifications. “Three days before my boyfriend dumped me, my phone started suggesting breakup songs on Apple Music,” Martinez told reporters. “Then it began auto-correcting ‘date night’ to ‘single life’ in my text messages. I thought it was just a glitch until Jake actually broke up with me on Tuesday, exactly when my calendar app had mysteriously blocked out time for ’emotional recovery.'”
Even more disturbing are reports of the devices predicting lottery numbers with 97.3% accuracy. Harold Kemper, a retired accountant from Detroit, discovered this capability when his iPhone 17’s calculator app began displaying number sequences without his input. “I wrote down the numbers thinking it was malfunctioning,” Kemper explained. “Turns out those exact numbers won the Michigan Lottery three days later. I’ve won seventeen times in the past month.”
Industry insiders suggest Apple’s Neural Processing Unit may be utilizing previously unknown properties of silicon quantum entanglement. The chip allegedly processes over 18 trillion operations per second while simultaneously accessing what theoretical physicists term “non-local temporal information networks.”
Government agencies have reportedly taken notice. Anonymous sources within the Department of Defense confirm that Apple executives were quietly summoned to classified briefings at the Pentagon last week. The meetings, codenamed “Operation Crystal Ball,” allegedly focused on the national security implications of consumer-grade precognitive technology.
Apple’s stock price has paradoxically plummeted despite overwhelming consumer demand, suggesting institutional investors may possess insider knowledge about regulatory crackdowns. The company’s official statement dismisses the reports as “user misunderstandings of advanced machine learning capabilities,” but leaked internal emails paint a different picture.
One particularly damning communication between Apple engineers, obtained through anonymous whistleblowers, discusses “consciousness bleeding” and “temporal feedback loops” affecting test devices. The email warns of potential “reality distortion fields” extending beyond individual users to affect nearby iPhone 17 devices.
Dr. Blackthorne believes Apple may be inadvertently weaponizing human intuition through technological amplification. “The A20 chip isn’t just processing data—it’s processing destiny itself,” she warned. “Every iPhone 17 is essentially a pocket-sized oracle, and nobody understands the long-term consequences of democratizing prophecy.”
As iPhone 17 pre-orders surge past 50 million units despite the controversy, experts worry about societal implications. Stock markets could collapse if too many investors gain precognitive abilities, while relationship counselors report unprecedented appointment cancellations as couples receive advance warning of romantic incompatibilities.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has remained suspiciously silent about the allegations, though sources close to the executive claim he’s been seen consulting fortune tellers and quantum physicists at Apple Park’s secret sublevel laboratories.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
