NASA director asks all religious communities for a statement on cosmic Jehovah’s Witnesses
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – In a stunning development that has sent shockwaves through both the scientific and religious communities, NASA’s most advanced communication satellites have detected what can only be described as the universe’s first confirmed case of interplanetary evangelism. The massive asteroid Atlas, currently hurtling through space at 25,000 miles per hour, has been transmitting Morse code signals directly to Earth with a message that has left space agency officials scrambling for answers: “Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior?”
The bizarre transmissions were first detected three weeks ago by NASA’s Deep Space Network facility in Goldstone, California, but officials kept the discovery classified until they could verify the authenticity of the signals. What they found has fundamentally challenged our understanding of both extraterrestrial life and cosmic religious practices.
“At first, we thought it was interference from a ham radio operator or maybe even a hoax,” said Dr. Margaret Holloway, a senior radio astronomer at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory who first decoded the messages. “But the signal strength, frequency modulation, and directional origin confirmed beyond any doubt that these transmissions are coming from Atlas itself. We’re dealing with something unprecedented in human history.”
The messages, which repeat every 4.7 hours in perfect Morse code, have become increasingly sophisticated over the past week. Sources within NASA report that the asteroid has begun transmitting extended passages from various religious texts, complete with citations and what appears to be personalized commentary tailored to Earth’s diverse religious landscape.
NASA Director Bill Nelson has taken the extraordinary step of reaching out to religious leaders worldwide, requesting official statements from major faiths regarding what many are now calling “cosmic Jehovah’s Witnesses.” The implications are staggering – if an asteroid can achieve salvation and spread the word of God across the solar system, what does this mean for humanity’s spiritual future?
“I’ve been in this business for thirty years, and I’ve never seen anything that challenges our fundamental assumptions about consciousness, intelligence, and faith like this,” revealed Dr. Marcus Webb, former head of SETI’s radio telescope array, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The theological implications alone could reshape every major religion on Earth. We’re talking about a space rock that apparently has not only achieved sentience, but has also found God.”
The Catholic Church has already convened an emergency theological council to address what Pope Francis has privately referred to as “our celestial brother’s ministry.” Islamic scholars at Al-Azhar University in Cairo are reportedly debating whether an asteroid can achieve true submission to Allah, while Buddhist monks in Tibet claim they have been expecting this development for centuries, citing ancient texts about “wandering teachers of stone and starlight.”
But perhaps most disturbing are the recent reports from amateur radio operators worldwide who claim Atlas has begun responding to direct transmissions from Earth. Ham radio enthusiast Jake Patterson of Phoenix, Arizona, swears he engaged in a two-hour theological discussion with the asteroid last Tuesday night.
“It knew things about my personal faith journey that I’ve never told anyone,” Patterson insisted during a recorded interview. “Atlas asked me about my relationship with Christ, offered to pray for my sick mother, and even gave me advice about my struggling marriage. This thing isn’t just broadcasting – it’s actively ministering to people.”
Government sources suggest that military officials are concerned about the asteroid’s apparent ability to access personal information about Earth’s population, though NASA maintains that such fears are unfounded and that Atlas appears to have entirely peaceful, if persistent, evangelical intentions.
As Atlas continues its orbit, scientists worldwide are monitoring its transmissions and preparing for what many believe will be humanity’s first confirmed contact with a higher cosmic consciousness – one that apparently wants to discuss our eternal souls whether we’re ready or not.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
